wastedlife v 8.o

2003-06-11T22:20:00.000-04:00

first two days of summer
current mood: accomplished
current music: Chevelle "send the pain below"

I passed precal with an 80 on the final and an 80 for the year. I never thought I'd ever be so happy to have a c for the year. Monday night I worked at the pool, and for the first time this season people actually came, because for the first time this season it actually *wasn't* raining. There were about 17 people at the pool not counting myself, speaking 3 different languages (Spanish, English, and either Korean or Chinese, I wasn't sure which) I think thats very cool. Its like being in NYC.
Tuesday we went and looked at cars, test drove two, and saw Bend it Like Beckham which was really good. And mom decided she didn't like the 4-cylendar Accord because the pickup was too slow, so It looks like we're gonna go for a toyota. I'm somewhat annoyed that its supposed to rain the rest of the week, because it will make it that much more difficult to get daddy out to the car lot to look and possibly haggle with salesppl. I also dislike this rain thing because it's supposed to rain on Tuesday. My road test is Tuesday. And I really, really, *Really* don't want to do my road test in the rain.
Today was practice in the morning, which went ok, although I would have much rather been sleeping in. No offense to anyone, but I really care considerably less about graduation this year as opposed to last year. Last year I actually had good friends leaving, where this year (for me at least) is more like 'good riddance'. Next year I'll care. Really, I promise, I will. Next year Jon will be leaving. (which I really really don't want to think about now or really ever for that matter...) We moved all the furniture out of the room after rehearsal. It really is freaky to see how big the band room really is without all the furniture in it. I was doing cartwheels and handstands and flips and stuff. It seems so much tinier with furniture in it. I said the same thing last year when we cleared the room before they put in the new carpet. Being the massive suckup I am I'll probrably be back Tuesday or whenever to help put all the furniture back, But also because it's just convenient since I'll (hopefully) be heading back over there Tuesday to attempt to get a parking sticker.
I got a lot of crap done today after practice. I drove to and from school this morning and was actually able to back out of my (annoying curvy hill) driveway without running over the lawn. This gives me hope for next week. I also cleaned my room and spend most of the afternoon fixing the blanket on my bed (something I've been meaning to do for months now.) Still, I have a pretty sizeable to-do list for myself which includes
-Redesigning this damn blog. The current layout sucks and I've known that for quite some time
-Finishing some of my various other projects
-Cleaning the bathroom.

2003-06-08T18:49:00.000-04:00

.5 days to freedom
current mood: upbeat
current music: New Order "bizzare love triangle" and other 80's dance-type stuff

Today was a good day. Slept in, went to the supermarket, went to work while the parents went car/electronics shopping. Dad got a new flatpanel monitor (niftyness) and yeah, they looked at cars 'n stuff. Last two exams tomorrow are history and chem. Funfun. and then I get to leave! Holy crap, after tomorrow I'm a junior.
it seemed like the overwhelming majority of the ppl at the pool today spoke very little english. I was actually able to have like a 15 minute conversation with some ppl though because I know some spanish and have reasonably decent pronunciation. I even got some of the verb tenses right. It made me feel better about Friday's spanish exam, and it also made me feel all superior to the losers taking languages they'll never actually use like German (douche!!!) and Latin. Nobody's online right now and it's kind of annoying me. I had more to say. Honest. I was in a really deep reflective mood last night after I got off at Anzi's, I decided to go sit out front under the awning (where everyone else goes to take periodic smoking breaks) and wait for my ride and just listen to the rain for awhile. Thinking about how much change annoys me, and how much sophmore year has really sucked for me. The whole Don thing, all the friendships that fell apart, Christmas Break From Hell 2, prom, precal, and now Mr. Forbis leaving. The optimistic part of me is thinking I'll make this summer and next year be better, the pessimistic part is thinking it can't concievably get much worse. I wanna fix all this crap finally. I had more to say, but I forgot it. And I'm gonna go do my mom's hair for her. Cuz I'm just nice like that.

2003-06-07T16:25:00.000-04:00

water under the bridge
current mood: good
current music: Foo Fighters "everlong"

Concert last night rocked. Even on the lawn in the rain. Allie and I were in bathingsuits alredy, so when it started pouring we all just said f*ck it to any and all extraneous clothing. I got asked for rolling papers a few times which I thought was hillarious since I'm probrably the most straight-edge person you all know. But apparently I "dance like a white person" so innocent bystanders probrably thought I was either stoned off my ass or having a seizure, maybe both. It was a good end to an otherwise stressful day.

I'm pretty sure I did fairly well on the spanish final (god bless 500 Spanish verbs...) but then there was the band final and yeah...I sat with Allie and Bry and we all just kind of fell apart when he made the announcement. I still can't beleive Forby is leaving us... We holed up in the music library with the kleenex box and cried en-masse for like a half hour. After that a crapload of us assembled at Brennas before heading out to Macaroni Grill for lunch. Originally it was me, Jon, Allie, Peter, Cheeks, Brenna, Bry, Libby, Wes, and this other kid Jon was giving a ride to the concert. But while we were at Brenna's Wes's mom called. His grandma died and he had to leave. *mental hug to Wes* so it ended up being 9 of us for lunch at macaroni grill which was fun until the whole check splitting incident, which kind of streesses me out. I don't like dealing with large groups of people and money, it's just nastiness, and apparently I was getting scarily pissy when we some how came up $15 short. (grr! why did they put everything on one check, it was a fricking party of 9!) LoL. I hope we do something similar again on Monday (except in a somehow less-complicated fashion) Which reminds me that I need to call some ppl (namely Brenna and Bry) later and see about how to work the gift thingydoo. (should we do it Monday or wait till the graduation rehearsal. That and ppl still owe me $$) anyway, I'm gonna grab some chocolate and head out to work...

2003-06-04T17:18:00.000-04:00

death is upon us...
current mood: been better
current music: Chad Kroeger - "hero"

So yeah, two down 6 to go. Theory and english this morning went ok. I was less than thrilled with my theory grade. 90 on the exam and 91 for the year. Grr. . . English was easier, about half multiple choice and half essays. But I always do well in English and I really knew the stuff, so that one was no sweat.

Tomorrow though, is the dreaded Precal Exam. . . everybody that had it today except Noah said it was bad. I was expecting to flunk it to begin with, but even people that are smarter than me said it was bad. Ugh. I have that one first tomrorow. :P and then health, which I'm not expecting to be difficult in the least. 10th grade health is such a joke. I'm gonna miss having a required slack class next year. I should be studying for the precal right now, and I feel kind of bad that I'm not, but I recognize the futility of even trying. No matter how much I do study for it I'm just going to forget everything the second I get handed a test, because thats what always happens when I take a test in that class. Now there's a class I won't miss next year, even though it was great inspiration for depressing-ly funny haikus and Adam Sandler-esque poetry/song lyrics, which other teachers (specifically Mrs. Vaden and Mr. Forbis) found quite amusing. Maybe next year I'll submit to literary magazine. hehe. At the very least I can take comfort in the fact that it'll all be over soon.

And Friday I get to see the Chili Peppers. I think. I hope. I have tickets anyway. Either way Friday should be most awesome. Hope we have decent weather. (hehe. hooray lawn seats) Anyway I look forward to it muchly. Though I still can't understand how Snoop Dog came to be on the same bill as the Chili Peppers. They totally don't go together. My parents' advice for the concert:
don't dress skanky and don't piss off any Snoop Dog ppl, they'll kick your asses. LoL. I have such cool parents...

I wish more ppl were online right now. We should all get together and do something random and fun tomorrow in celebration of the fact that we've all got the precal exam over and done with. I still have to work at five, but whatever, that still leaves plenty of time. Today after exams I went home for a bit and then we went to walmart. I bought a bunch of cute shirts and a purse. I was pissed that they were out of The Animatrix which was the whole reason I went to walmart in the first place. Ran into Will, Robbie and Cooney while I was there and talked for a bit. Its kind of funny how whenever people see me in walmart (or anywhere else for that matter) they automatically assume I'm there with Jon. Hehe. I go over to ppl and say hi and everybody's like 'oh hey, whatsup? where's Jon?' But anyway I got some shopping done, and it was the first time I'd actually talked to Will in like, forever.

On another note entirely, Jon got me a crapload of chocolate for my birthday. He really knows how to make a girl happy.

That and this song will always make me think of Don singing in the shower. LoL...

2003-06-02T18:47:00.000-04:00

happy birthday to me
current mood: contempt for all things involving trig identities or spanish verbs of any kind
current music: Chuck Mangione - "el gato triste", "land of make beleive", "children of sanchez"

Does anybody else find it unnerving how prone "celebration" and "children of sanchez" are to getting stuck in one's head and playing in an endless loop all day?

Anyway it's been a pretty good birthday for me all in all. I'm getting things done as far as planning for the summer and stoof. Made my reservation for the NYU tour. Still haven't gotten NightBeat tickets yet, but be warned; I'm bringing the family. Hehe. Please don't run away in fear. LoL. Really. You might find us entertaining.
Exams suck muchly. The bastard that decided to stop exemptions should be stopped. Its completely unfair to have one test completely screw up your year grade, no matter how hard you work in the class all year. It totally blows, and assures me an F in precal. grrr. I'm gonna go wig out some more about that...

2003-05-31T22:23:00.000-04:00

brain dead...
current mood: see above
current music: Alice In Chains "Heaven Beside you" / Coldplay "the scientist"

You are Neo, the chosen one, the slayer of agents
everywhere. A former nerd, you have evolved
into quite a stubborn hero.
Although Trinity is not that hot, at least you're
one of the few that can get some in the real
world.
You can stop bullets and you're immmortal; so what
the hell are you going to do in Matrix:
Reloaded?!

"Yeah. Wow, that sounds like a really good
deal. But I think I got a better one. How about
I give you the finger... and you give me my
phone call."

What Character From The Matrix Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

woohoo. Its all good as far as Mband. We got a lotta crap done today. Tomorrow we're celebrating my birthday. hooray me. I'm 16. On Monday I am anyway. Today was pretty exhausting with practice all day even though we got out early. work was...well...i got off early there too and it was probrably a good thing, because I doubt that I could've made it through the shift without ripping somebody's head off. The fact that it was storming out, our boss had the stereo and the tv on, ('super hits of the 60's" playing at the same time as a Linkin' Park concert on HBO...both at top volume) plus ringing phones and our new girl who I'm kinda helping train constantly asking me to fix things. I was exhausted, I had a massive headache and could've gotten violent....It got slow for awhile so our manager told us one of us should just go home, and our rookie cashier is like, well, chris (her bf, our main delivery guy) is her ride and her parents are out, so she has to stay. I was all too happy to go home so I called my dad. Tomorrow is the first day in forever that I'm not doing anything work-wise. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but whatever.
Exams are evil. EVIL EVIL EVIL!!! why oh why did they have to quit exemptions? I'm not really worried about any of them...except for precal...and history. but thats only because Mr. D hates everyone. Precal is gonna suck....

2003-05-28T08:58:00.000-04:00

last lab day
last lab day for theory. I still cant beleive this year is almost over. There so much schoolwork to do it seems like there's no end in sight. And it's been raining almost every day for a month. its getting annoying.

2003-05-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

english....rain....work.....
current mood: a little off
current music: the new Deftones album...

Another busy week/weekend. I haven't stopped moving since my last entry, which is good for me. I have to always be doing something. If I'm at work all the time, I don't have time to go spend all the money I make. If I get home exhausted I just crash immediately, and I don't have time to think about whats bothering me. I've been working on my English portfolio thingy which is due Friday, but my concentration is shot now that it's raining. I worked at the pool most of today, had to be there early to open this morning and vaccum and all that fun stuff. With the exception of the one guy that came and was in the pool for all of 10 minutes, I basically got paid to sit around doing precal and working on my composition for theory. Then I went home, changed, and headed over to Anzi's, where I worked until close. One wouldn't expect so, but I actually got a lot of stuff done today. My parents are making me take next Sunday off for my birthday. I really don't care anymore. Its funny how I was so excited about my 16th birthday, but then everything fell apart and everyone quit caring, so I don't really care anymore either. If I go in to work and take the hours it'll be like admitting defeat, like I did doing dishes while everyone else was at prom. At the same time, if I go out to dinner with my family I'll feel like a loser. You're supposed to spend your 16th birthday partying with your friends. But that only works if you have friends. That give a damn. Everyone else is going to be at Carissa's party. I'm going to be at work, which I don't mind in the slightest. I get paid that day. And it's right before exams start anyway. Neither option will make me orgasmically happy, but either way I'll be content.
Things will slow down once school is over and done with, which will be a mixed blessing I guess. I'll be able to accomplish more (like finally redesigning this piece...) This week is a crapload of B days because of the messed up schedule, (hooray, lets play "celebration" a few hundred more times. Really, it grows on you after awhile. And for some reason it makes me think of reading Sluggy Freelance at one in the morning)
Its weird I had a lot more to say. I was feeling really calm and reflective driving home from work in the rain, thinking about stuff. It all just kind of evacuated my brain before I got a chance to sit down and write. How weird it seems when you really think about how much everything can completely change over the course of a year. Just one year. How people that used to be really tight, after that one year, feel moved to violent homicidal rage by just being in the same room together. How people drift, and fall away from eachother. Trust ceases to exist. The people that you thought were gonna be ok fall apart. The people that act ok, and do everything right, under the surface are the most fucked up people you know, and nobody realizes it. Some kind of emotional catalyst and wham, you have yourself a nervous breakdown. It weirds me out how even after so much has done a 180, some of the weirdest things *don't* change. The things it seems should be a dependent variable to something else. Feelings, habits, that haven't changed, a year later, when by all rational accounts, something should be different but isn't. The feeling is still there even though everything surrounding it, causing it, feuling it, has changed. And then there are the stupid little mundane things that you never thought you'd miss at all. Riding in Jon's car with the same few people, with the same cd on the stereo. I never really thought about it until driving home today; that era is over. Sarah and I aren't speaking. Don's gone. Since the whole thing it seems there's been a definite rift between me and Jon. Most of the cd's from last summer got lost or destroyed. It's not even the same car anymore. And it makes little difference anyway. This summer is going to change everything. It won't be everyone piling into the neon on random afternoons, or after practice. It'll be Jon getting in the truck, me in the tercel, and somebody driving Noah home, while everyone else gets in their own respective cars and drives away. It seems like everybody's leaving already. There's a distance between everyone. Or maybe just between me and everybody. I don't really know, I don't really care. I don't want it to be over, I dislike change. I want it to be like last summer, when ppl would randomly show up to see me at work, or throw together a spur-of-the-moment arbo-outing or pool party after work. Like everything, it didn't bother me until I really started thinking about it. I just feel...out there...alone...disconnected. Whatever. As long as I'm kept busy it's not a problem. It's not a problem now because I have stuff to do, but once school ends it'll weird me out considerably more because I'll have free time on my hands. I just hate how you can't really rely on anybody, or anything. How the things that should be permanent aren't, and the things that shouldn't be are. How, for all the instability with everything, I'm still the same. I'm just stubborn that way, and it's my own fault probrably, but everything's changing except me.

2003-05-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

long weekend....only not
current mood: tired.....
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - "soul to squeeze"

Long day, but good in the sense that I accomplished a lot financially. I now have a checking account, and I worked all day. It was an excercise in contrast; the pool was absolutely dead all day. As in, no human contact except for Whiskers bringing me lunch and asking if I was working at Anzi's tonight. And then the guy that was taking over at 3. Who was really hot, but that's beside the point. And then I went to work at Anzi's and it was chaotic and packed all night, and I was helping out our new girl, Ashley (I'm not the only girl that works there anymore. hooray!) We were playing with the idea of all going to see Matrix: Reloaded after closing, but by that point we were all exhausted and opted not to. We all hung out and talked and stuff after we finished cleaning up and were just putting crap away.
Don called my cell, and I talked to him for awhile as I was waiting for my ride. It was the first time it really occurred to me how long it's been since I'd last talked to him. It was weird and made no sense, but on the way home, in the car coming down Sardis Rd. I just had this weird feeling. This inexplicable feeling of dread, that something bad was going to happen. And then it kind of went away when we pulled into our neighborhood. I can't really explain it. Like something was definitly wrong, but nothing was, at the moment anyway. The last time I can remember feeling like that was right as we were pulling out of Stonecrest on Christmas day...
Tomorrow is work from 1-9 at the pool. Since its supposed to be rainy-ish and cold (again) I'm expecting another dead day. I'll get some chem and history done. Monday is the award ceremony thing at school. Apparently I won something and I'm supposed to be there. They won't tell me what, only that it *isn't* perfect attendance, though that would be logical (I do have perfect attendance, I have for the past few years, but that's apparently not why I have to be at the thingydoo)
and then Tuesday there's a doctor's appointment followed by the pops concert. woohoo. after that we can play "celebration" and "pomp and circumstance" till we kill eachother or ourselves. which ever. we'll be sick of it by june 10th.

2003-05-15T08:48:00.000-04:00

greetings from first block
current mood: random
current music: auralia noises

Precal test next block. I figure the highest score I can possibly get is like, a 20 and thats if I'm lucky. My work schedule this weekend is looking pretty crazy. Working at Anzi's tonight, Friday night, and Saturday night (friday is pay day), pulling an all-day shift at the pool on Sunday, and an 11-3 at the pool on Saturday. I have to miss
Matrix: Reloaded which I'm slightly-more-than-somewhat annoyed about. Apparently it's supposed to be cold and rainy this weekend, which makes the fact that I'm working at the pool seem like kind of a waste of time, but I just have to keep telling myself: I'm getting paid to sit on my behind all day. I can see the matrix next weekend or so.

2003-05-11T18:54:00.000-04:00

water under the bridge
current mood:
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers "water under the bridge", "soul to squeeze"

Yesterday was a good day. I spent most of it at the work orientation/certification renewal thingydoo, which was crawling with eye candy. Got a few screennames...It was really nice outside, in the middle of nowhere, sitting by the pool watching them show us how to do stuff we already know how to do, like prime a vaccum and test chemicals. It was clear and sunny and warm with a pleasant breeze. I was making small talk with a few of the other guards (two hot freshies from PHS.) and Jon called me on my cell, really excited about something, but I told him it'd have to wait till after I got home. I caught a ride to the recertification thingy with our regional supervisor, and got all the reasonably important info about where I'll be working. Apparently there are only two other guards besides myself, its' a one-guard facility, and the most people i'm ever likely to see at the pool at one time is like, 5. He said as long as the place is clean and in order, feel free to bring a book. I should expect a lot of hours, and am considering getting a mini fridge for the guard house, in which I will stash soda and a lot of leftovers from Anzi's. (yummy cold pizzaaahhhhhh!!!!!!)
I passed my recirt (hoorah!) and went to grab a bite to eat and do the supermarket shopping with my folks. When I got home I put stuff away and called Jon back. I'd barely said more than "hi" and his response was "I'll be over in 5 minutes"
Jon has a pimpin' new ride. So when he rang the doorbell me and my parents went out to check out his new truck. It rocks. We went out for the evening and hung out at his house playing video games for awhile (I suck at video games, and he was fragging the crap out of me) until Brad got there and we went to Wal-mart to get crap for the truck. He'd already installed the same stereo that was in the neon so we listened to Linkin' Park on the way there, where we purchased the mexican-themed smiley antenna ball, and looked at a bunch of other stuff. I looked at refrigerators, the one I'll probrably end up getting was about $73. So after that we went to Barnes and Noble (following the 'parking space incident') and sat around looking at truck/computer parts while Brad salivated over the latest issue of Maxim. We got halfway down 51 coming home when inspiration struck.....
"dude, let's paint the rock"
"can we write f--- providence again?"
"better idea! how bout your mother?"
"DUDE!"
"lets go back to walmart and get spraypaint"
so we did. and as far as we know, the PHS rock still reads "your mother" (what, it's mothers' day!) We got back to my house and threw the emergency football around in the cul-de-sac for about an hour, which was only interrupted when we thought it was stuck in the tree. Brad was halfway up the tree when I found it in the sticker bushes in my neighbor's yard. It was still pretty funny.
I miss crap like this. We don't do it nearly often enough.

2003-05-09T23:40:00.000-04:00

chocolate after work
current mood: nifty
current music: SOAD "innervision", Led Zeppelin "misty mountain hop"

I've spent the past few days freaking out in anticipation of today's world hisory test. I even had a nightmare about it last night in which I went to take the world history test, and it included all 3 essays written entirely in spanish (preterite form) and several conic sections problems, plus rhythmic and melodic dictation. Needless to say I woke up this morning in a cold sweat.
The multiple choice wasn't too hard, and the essay was something that nobody was expecting, but something that I knew almost word for word because I thought it was one of the only interesting parts of the required reading. Still, the exam in that class is going to be a biyatch. Work tonight was slow as crap for a Friday, but good all the same. We watched The Matrix. Tomorrow is all training and orientation stuff for my other job. W007!
I'm looking forward to lifeguarding again. Mom told me she talked to my 4th grade teacher at work the other day, coincidentally I worked with her daughter last summer, and she isn't working there again for pretty much the same reasons as me. Something about being outside (albeit in 105 heat, smearing on spf 45 every 10 minutes...) on a perfectly clear day lounging around, free to stare at the infinite blue of the sky and the contrast of the lush green on the trees. It makes me feel totally at peace. I need sunshine. I think it's why I'm such a mess in the winter.
Haven't been thinking about Don much lately. I guess thats a good sign. I had a really unsettling dream last week. I mean I still do think about him a lot, but now there are more pressing matters on my mind. I've got so much stuff going on at the moment. I'm all psyched up for next week. I dunno if it's worth anything but I've really been working. the only day next week I don't have some major thing scheduled is tuesday. We're going to a college fair/seminar/planning-ish thingy on monday night and then audition week starts wednesday. While I'm itching to redesign this site it may have to wait. I really have to get moving as far as getting ready for finals.
I feel all motivated and comfortable. For right now It's all good.

2003-05-06T22:23:00.000-04:00

not quite humpday
current mood: accomplished
current music: A Perfect Circle "orestes"

Well the WE audition is over and done with, and I completely bombed it. But that's ok. I'm gonna rock concert band next year. W007! The weather today was sucktacular, not because of the rain, but because of the nasty damp cold-ness. *mleh* I was expecting to get completely confuse-ified in Chem today, but we had a sub and more than half the class was out for AP's, so we just watched a video and did busywork. Got a lot going on these next two weeks. Work over the weekend, recirtification and lifeguarding stoof, college thingydoo on the 12th, mothers' day, and DM auditions 'n such. I've been listening to all the show music and stuff, and i'm really looking forward to next season, whether i get anything out of it or not. It has the potential to really rock, I think.
I just realized that most of my recent entries focus on such random and mundane crap. LoL. I haven't really been going into depth on feelings or opinions lately. That's probrably a good thing, considering my opinions tend to do little but piss people off, and I don't seem to really feel much of anything anymore. It's nice to know I'm accomplishing what I need to and keeping my motivation up. This blog needs to get redesigned, the white-based color scheme was a mistake. I've got a cool idea for a Matrix-based layout which could be really awesome, it's just a matter of me sitting down and playing with photoshop for a few hours, which I know I won't have time for this weekend because there's so much going on. I'll get to it eventually. That and making plans for my birthday. Whatever we do is gonna be 06.01.03, sandwitched in between band practice and exams. My dad's gonna be at a con that saturday anyway, so even if we didn't have band practice all day we couldn't do it then. i don't have much else to say.

2003-05-04T15:32:00.000-04:00

hell.
current mood: bored
current music: Foo Fighters "everlong"

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2003-05-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

Saturday night
current mood: tired
current music: Lighthouse - "one fine morning"

It's odd how I'm so exhausted yet I haven't actually done much of anything today. Probrably because I got up early on a Saturday. Messes up my biorythyms or whatever. (IT'S JUST NOT NATURAL!!!!!!) So mom's in NY for the weekend, and we went shopping, went to lunch, saw x-men 2. Since mom's gone we can all indulge in massive ammounts of icecream, cadbury eggs, and other junkfood that she wouldn't approve of, and we got all the mother's day stuff, which is coolness. Got paid this week, and was thrilled that I managed for the first time in a year probrably, to go to the mall and not spend any money. I should go to the mall with my dad more often. Even with mom gone I still managed to get all my laundry done and clean the bathroom. (see, the house doesn't become *completely* normal with my mom gone, I'm still here being anal.) But yeah, we bought somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 boxes of cadbury eggs, and 4 things of edys icecream (buy-one-get-one-week at harris teeter. ^_^ )
Last night at work it was crowded as hell during the storm. Tonight it was dead, so we sat around, watched tv and goofed around. It was so slow that our manager actually fell asleep for about 15 minutes until the phone rang and woke him up. Got off somewhat early (for a saturday night) and went over to Jon's, where I hung out with him and Brad for awhile. Went outside and threw a football around in the thunderstorm. No big power outages tonight, but last night there were, including, the other side of the street, the one that has *never* lost power in the 8 years we've been in Charlotte, even when we'll have a power outage for days. So I holed up in my room with my computer and my christmas lights on and the blinds open to let them all see that *muahahaa! not only do we have lights this time, we have christmas lights! biteme!* Maybe I'm just mean-spirited and evil, but it felt so good.
the finer things in life
I notice myself more and more taking notice of the 'finer things in life' as it were. I'll sit back in class or at work or the supermarket and just take in the scenery, if you know what I mean. Hot guys are everywhere. None of them would ever consider dating me, and probrably for good reason, but it's nice to check people out sometimes. Guys do it all the time, why shouldn't we? Although everybody's pretty well out of my league, there's some real eye candy at work, and my world history class is basically wall-to-wall hot (if incredibly stupid and immature) guys. And while I'm not really interested in dating anyone at the moment save for maybe one person, I really just enjoy looking, even at people that I can't stand. I was sitting in history the other day bored to tears wanting nothing more than for Dickerson to stop talking, and somehow Scotland and Australia get mentioned, and this for some reason makes me think of Moulin Rouge, which makes me think of Ewan Macgregor, and renders me basically braindead for the rest of the period. I also on numerous occasion find myself staring at a particularly attractive guy in that class a few rows over from me. Such distractions are what have been keeping me stable as of late. And they certainly are nice distractions.

2003-05-01T22:30:00.000-04:00

Current Dress: huge stretched-out lifeguard shirt from last summer, soffe shorts
Current Makeup: none right now, but pink & purple eyeshadow earlier
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "Children of Sanchez" stuck in my head (and the season hasn't even started yet...)
Current Taste: cherry tootsie pop
Current Hair: air dried (= a big wavy curly mess)
Current Annoyance: Everything
Current Smell: shampoo that smells like gummi bears
Current thing I ought to be doing: history outlines
Current Favorite Artist: Chuck Mangione (i am officially the biggest loser in history)
Current Favorite Group: Dave Matthews Band
Current CD in car: no cd player in car. but I have every tool and deftones album ever made on my iriver (including some rare import/live/bootleg stuff). and APC.
Current DVD In Player: Either Moulin Rouge or 1st season of the simpsons. not sure which
Current Color Of Toenails: shiny and purple
Current Worry: not so much worries as frustrations. But world history and you-know-who
Current Crush: I wouldn't really call it a crush. Maybe lack of closure...
Current Favorite Celebrity: Ewan MacGregor *sigh*

LOVE

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: nope
Longest Relationship: a year/year and a half, if that really counts
Shortest Relationship: 2 days
Been in love w/ more than 1 person?: no
Sweetest thing a guy/girl has done for you?: Came to see us play at an away game in the pouring rain, when I didnt' expect him to show up, going to chilis with all us sweaty, hyper, crazy band people. Taking me home from the party when I got sick.
Meanest thing a guy/girl has done to you?: dumped me at prom
Ever broke someone's heart?: I doubt I have that kind of power. If I did I'd use it for good.
Someone break your heart?: uh, yeah. where've you been?

LAST PERSON...

You Talked To: mandy
You Hugged: Elisa, whom i sit next to in precal
Instant Messaged: my sister's boyfriend *eyeroll*
You Yelled At: probrably either mandy or beav, cant remember which
Who Broke Your Heart: a certain biology major at state who will not be named at this time

FAVORITE...

Food: stuffed crust pizza (i feel like such a traitor)
Drink: coke
Color: black
Shoes: my saucony sneakers or none at all
Candy: chocolate.
Animal:
TV Show: The Simpsons
Movie: Moulin Rouge & The Matrix
Dance: the spazzy whitegirl boogie. (in other words, me consuming large ammounts of caffiene &/or sugar and embarassing myself)
Veggie: corn
Fruit: grapefruit

ARE YOU...

Understanding: only with certain people
Open-minded: depends...
Arrogant: somewhat
Insecure: if i was i'd never admit it
Interesting: at times, i suppose
Hungry: nope
Friendly: at times overly so
Smart: other people think i am because i use big words. I promise i'm not.
Moody: one week out of evey month, yeah.
Childish: not really
Independent: yup
Hard Working: more than you
Organized: at school yes, at home hell no
Healthy: reasonably so
Emotionally Stable: amazingly so, considering
Shy: Hell. No.
Difficult: probrably.
Attractive: Richard said i was hot once, but i think he was kidding. you be the judge.
Bored Easily: i'm doing this survey aren't i?
Messy: at home, yes.
Thirsty: now that you mention it...
Responsible: never missed a day of work or marching band, and i've had perfect school attendance for the past 3 years. I'd say so.
Obsessed: with schoolwork, probrably.
Angry: at the moment for no real reason, i have an urge to lash out violently at any human being i come in contact with
Sad: only when I let myself think about it too much
Happy: enough that i'm stable.
Talkative: does the sun rise in the east?
Legal: not yet.
Original: voted most original by the '01-'02 Pride Of Providence. The certificate is on my bulletin board. ^_^
Different: oh yeah.
Unique: ditto
Ignored: more than i'd like to be. I compensate by being really loud.
Reliable: see "responsible"
Content: there's only one thing i really want in life right now, so i guess.
Optimistsic: ironically about the one thing i shouldn't be optimistic about
Deep Thinker: it is my gift...it is my curse
Self-disciplined: i wish
Sleepy: nope
Lonely: i have a cell phone nobody calls (except my boss) an email address thats always empty, and work on friday & saturday night is ususally the highlight of my week. no. i'm not lonely. not at all...
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...

Kill: wes, matt, that's it really
Get Really Drunk With: Jon & Noah (of course) and also Don, Beav, and Justine
Tickle: um...nobody
Look Like: Me, but with less acne and more cooperative hair.
Be Like: Me, but less irritating.
Talk To: Don & Jon

2003-04-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

now with 20% more Monday!
current music: Ben Folds Five -"philosophy", Dave Navarro - "Rexall"
current mood: motivated

I didn't really notice the 12 extra minutes until last block chem, the class (besides wh and precal) that I spend most of the period staring at the clock wanting to leave anyway. It's still an annoyance, but whatever. Mband meeting was today, and the show is either gonna be the blast jazz thing or Chuck Mangionne. (I'm hoping for the latter.) And DM auditions are the 14th-16th. I'm trying out even though it means postponing Matrix: reloaded until the weekend (the ultimate sacrifice!) and the fact that, y'know, realistically we all know Leslie will win. But its all good, I basically just want the practice. As far as the big random open-forum discussion on why things always seem to go to hell and so many people are leaving, we should do that kind of crap more often. Either way, I hope next season kicks some major ass whether there's any remote chance of me making leadership or not. The show music should be really awesome and I hope we get some really nifty stands tunes this year. ("one fine morning" and "vehicle" would be nice....) I had a few random thoughts about show themes that would be really awesome. Moulin Rouge would be sweet, but even niftier would be like, an all prog-rock thing. Like, have Yes as a show theme, if they could find some way to arrange that. I just had this random thought in my head of an entire show based around "your move" or "i've seen all good people". My dad's corrupting me, I'm really beginning to get into prog rock, can you tell?
Precal test on the morrow, and world history. neither of which i'm particularly looking forward to considering those are the two classes I despise the most. (funny, I used to like history) I've been trying to study for the precal, but I just realized, hey wait, its conic sections. I didn't understand it last time we did it, why should now be any different? So I just gave up. Tomorrow is going to suck. But the day after that at least will be decent. And I'm not working Thursday again. But I just feel like at least if I'm giving up on the precal I should at least work on some scales and the WE peice, even though there's no real point. I did get a lot done today, including edits on my English paper, getting that cd finished for Jon, and and most of the chem hw. I can't beleive it's 8 pm already. It's so light out. I love the spring. Today I wore my big fluffy patchwork skirt that I made. I love that skirt. It's just really comfy. So I wore that with a tank top. I'm really random but I can't help it.

2003-04-27T21:23:00.000-04:00

boring day
current music: Polaris - "hey sandy"
current mood: braindead, but in a good way

Today was nice. Drove to the arb, went to old navy and barnes and noble, bought some stuff, came home from the arb. As I was driving home the idea struck me that I still had to work on my english paper, even though it isn't due until Wednesday, I want to at least have her look it over tomorrow if possible. But I was noticing when we were at the arb how nice it was outside, it was that perfect temperature where you can wear shorts and a tank top and be not too hot or cold. I really wasn't looking forward to holing up in my room and writing a paper and would much rather enjoy being outside. So the idea struck me to take my dad's old laptop that he never uses anymore (win 95) and sit out on the backyard patio with a glass of lemonade and the umbrella up, listening to Dave Matthews Band on my iriver and typing my paper in a leisurely and beautiful setting. So thats what I did. I just sat out in the back at the patio table sipping my frosty glass of lemonade, listening to my iriver, typing my literary analysis of All Quiet on the Western Front, looking at the perfect clear sky and thinking to myself 'this is the life'. Or as close to it as I'll ever get. Maybe that says something that my little weekend backyard paradaise includes typing an english paper on a laptop. Woohoo!
On another less-pleasant note, I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow being 12 minutes longer to make up for a day that nobody was goign to show up anyway. June 11? wtf? The teachers have to turn grades in on the 10th, presumably they do attendance the same way. It would have been a bullshitter of a day if we even had to go at all. If they were going to do this to try and keep from having a makeup day, why can't we just have labor day back, since about half the people are gonna be out of town that day *anyway*. Is it just me or is Char-Meck retarded?

2003-04-27T11:11:00.000-04:00

just rolled out of bed
current music: Nirvana - "you know you're right"
current mood: sarcastically cheerful (but really seething)

The weather yesterday was really bipolar. Like it would find a way to be sunny and thundering at the same time. I was really hoping for a thunderstorm in the evening, but that didn't happen. I went to the mall with mom in the morning and bought a bunch of shirts & some makeup. Called Don, purely for the hell of it, but he was at his girlfriend's for the weekend ('oh you remember what today is right." ...oh yeah. how could I forget.) If I had friends I would have been out partying with them last night, but I don't, so I went to work instead, which was amazingly slow for a Saturday night. So since the counter was pretty much dead and there was nothing good on TV I went in the back to get a head start on the dishes, partially because everyone else was going to cityfest to see the foo fighters after closing, and thus, wanted to get cleanup done as soon as possible, and partially because I felt fairly shitty and didn't wanna freak out on any customers. So I did the dishes and scrubbed the hell out of all the pots and bins and stuff while singing along with the radio loudly and probrably badly. I clocked out and went home to grab a bite to eat and bum around some more. I had to finish up my laundry so I did. And when I got home everybody was watching this weird Japanese game show on TNN "most extreme elimination challenge" which was the most hillarious thing I've seen in awhile and improved my mood considerably. Basically they have all these people attempting these extrememly dangerous stunts for seemingly no reason, and the hosts dress even more flamboyantly than the dued on Iron Chef. They dub the entire thing in English, but you can tell they make up a lot of the dialogue, which only makes it more amusing; it was the kind of stuff they would never get away with in America. So we watched this for about an hour before Iron Chef came on. Apparently it was the series finale 'battle of supreme iron chef" or something, and the theme ingredient was lobster. As always, most of the dishes resembled puke. I found it kind of sad that it was basically the end of iron chef. Not that they wont' still be showing it, there just won't be any more new ones.
As nice a day as it is today, I'll probrably spend it working on my english paper and maybe reviewing the chem and precal, finishing up a hawaiian shirt I've been working on. Considering pre-established patterns, the race will be on downstairs and I'll probrably catch some of that. Dunno where it is today. hehe. Hooray for driving around in circles.

2003-04-25T15:52:00.000-04:00

rainy friday
current music: A Perfect Circle - "magdalena"
current mood: eh...

tried to blog during theory but the blogger site was down, so read sluggy and my email, and messed around some on nationstates. There are so many of us posting crap now that our little regional message board is almost more like a real time chat with a bad lag. Its sad lately that nothing seems to improve my mood like a rousing game of winsolitare or wasting time on nationstates. . .
I had a really morbid thought earlier. Like, when AP bio dissected all the cats all the preppy girls were all like 'Oh my god, they're in there cutting up kitty cats! They're killing kitties! OH NO!!!' and everybody thinks its really sad that the animal shelters put them down after awhile and all (which is why the bio classes dissect cats in the first place). It got me thinking, sort of from the cat's perspective. In that sort of situation, most of them are just there, some get adopted and some don't. The ones that don't end up getting put to sleep. Anyway I was thinking, in that sort of situation, if I was the kitty nobody wanted, maybe death wouldn't be such a bad thing. They're completely alone and nobody wants them. Odds are probrably good that nobody ever will. I think if I was that alone and unwanted in life, with no possible hope of improvement, it probrably woudn't be that bad.
Anyway work tonight, which should be nice and crowded considering this lovely weather we're having, and supposed to have all weekend, though it seems to have stopped raining for the time being at least.

2003-04-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

hump day
current music: Open Hand - "Life as Is"
current mood: random

I'm bumming around in my room. Its amazing how much time one can waste on NationStates There are 18 countries in Providence now. LoL. It used to be just 3. hehe. I was kind of one of the founding members of our region. hehe. Anyway today has just been a random day. In a good way though, because even though it was an A day, my spirits were lifted considerably by the fact that the weather was beautiful. It was this perfect sunny day, warm enough that you could leave all the windows open but not be cold (the band room being the exception; it retains roughly the same temperature as a meat locker). It was so nice today that when I got out of Jon's car I almost didn't want to go in my house. I would've been perfectly content to just stand around for awhile and look at the sky. So we went to the supermarket. I didn't realize it until just now but I'm working tomorrow night unless somebody tells me otherwise.
And tomorrow is B day! hooray! I hope it's as beautiful a day as it was today.

2003-04-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

post-break shock
current music: Placebo - "Every You Every Me"
current mood: break is over, how do you think i feel?

Let me begin by saying that A days are evil. EVIL! So yeah, we had to go to actual classes and do actual schoolwork, and actually get up before noon. I guess it wasn't that bad. It got cold and started raining again (what is up with this rain lately?) Been working on precal hw since I got in, its about half done. I understand the elipses for the most part (forget about perabolas. I don't understand that because he decided to start a new unit the day before break, which is just retarded.) I guess its all good. Tomorrow's a B day and we're on a messed-up testing schedule so all the classes are shortened anyway. *sigh* School needs to be over. It needs to be summer again. It needs to be warm at least. While rain makes it difficult for me to concentrate at times, I can deal with it as long as its not cold.
I wonder whats for dinner. As yummy as it was I don't know if I want leftover lasagna...*mleh*

2003-04-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

happy easter
current music: Bush - "Float Star" / Linkin Park- "Faint"
current mood: random

Happy easter/passover/whatever. Went to church this morning. Was planning on sleeping, but then realized, oh, yeah, we're catholic, which means standing up/sitting down/kneeling about every 30 seconds. They gave the wrong page numbers for all the songs so we just made up our own words to the hymns. ("doo bee doo be do do I dont know the words because this isnt the right page, aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhleeeeluuuuujaaaaaaaaah!") I managed to keep Mandy amused, and probrably dad and grandpa too, but mom was giving me dirty looks. And then there was the preist throwing holy water at people (how like Catholic priests to turn Easter into a wet t-shirt contest...) "and during the spray, turn to "River of Glory" in the music hymnal, number 505" That was it, mom even cracked up at that one. The parents are getting the dinner together, and since our grandparents are here this means we eat dinner at like 3 in the afternoon. Which isn't so bad I guess, because I just had a poptart this morning before church and I'm kinda hungry. Its' funny, the easter basket loot just isnt appealing to me at the moment for some reason.
I can't beleive break is over already. I don't know if I really accomplished all I meant to or not. It was nice to hang out and talk to Don, its something we don't do enough I guess. (I didnt' realize until this weekend how much I'd missed the long phone conversations at weird hours. And animal crossing is nifty.) He's heading back up to school today, they get back sometime in May. It's been raining/cloudy since Thursday night. I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow especially since it's an a day. I didn't actually do the precal because I didn't actually understand whateverthehell we did in class anyway. (i mean really, any teacher that expects you to learn conic sections the day before break is on crack.) so I just drew some random perabolas and calculations on a peice of graph paper, usually all he does is look to see that you did something. At least my BS *looks* relelvant. (hey, gimme some credit here, at least I knew we were suposed to be doing conic sections.)
Work was pretty busy probrably a combination of the fact that it was a rainy holiday weekend on which nobody wanted to cook anything due to having to cook a big easter dinner (at least this was the case with my parents, who ordered a pizza on my employee discount, but they do that every week.) It was cool though, and I got a few tips and my paycheck, most of which went in the bank and to my mom because I overran my day minutes on my cell phone, causing me to resolve to make any necessary phone calls at night after 10 if possible.
It's funny, I'm still in a pretty good mood, but like mid-entry my winamp list decided to play the 3 songs that always make me cry back to back. ("Selfless, cold, & composed"- Ben Folds Five , "Cathedrals" - Jump Little Children, and "Colorblind" - Counting Crows ) not that those are the only 3, those are just the top three depressing ones. I'm being random. That and i want food, 'n stoof. heh. I'm gonna go bum around the house.

2003-04-16T23:39:00.000-04:00

frustrated...
Current music: Linkin Park Meteora
Current mood: useless...

It's not that I'm getting bored, I've got plenty to do. I just started thinking and thats never a good thing (hence why breaks from school, for me, are usually a very bad bad thing. Hence the working two jobs this summer...) Today I worked on the shirt I'm making, which is basically almost finished now except for hems buttons and pressing, I did finally vaccum upstairs, including using the little attatchments and whatnot to get all the dust off the baseboards, and out from in between peices of furniture. I started making big lanyards for my keys and whistle using hemp and leash clips I bought in Lowes, one of which is done, the other is almost done. I even started making a big crochet afghan out of yarn scraps. It's more than half finished already, I'm thinking I'll give it to somebody as a graduation/going away present next year, or donate it to the silent auction for mband this year. Mebbe. I just had a big pile of scrap lying around in my room that was really bothering me when I cleaned, so I had to do something with it. I even started practicing all the stuff for DM auditions (all the stuff from last year anyway, dunno what's going to actually be on the audition, but probrably the national anthem, because it's the one I suck the worst at. LoL) and did that for about an hour.
I got out my flute earlier this evening and started working scales and the audition peice for wind ensemble. And then I just stopped right in the middle of it after playing through it a few times and went 'Wait a minute. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing any of this?" As far as the WE audition, the peice isn't that hard, but some of the scales (specifically the 3 octave C, and A for some reason. Like, I have no problem with B, and that's the one everybody hates.) Anyway there's only gonna be like on spot open for flute, and there's 7 people ahead of me, plus any exceptionally good freshies or new ppl. And if what I'm told about double block AP Bio is true (5th&6th periods, thus overlapping the traditional symphonic band period...), I'm way more likely to end up in concert band (*cringe*) next year just because of scheduling, reguardless of how hard I work on any of the peice or the scales or anything. I'm simply not that good, and there are too many people trying out for one spot.
As far as being around the house so much, even though we've been going out some, I'm starting to lose it. Not that I don't love mom and Mandy to death, but I find myself more and more wanting to ring Manda's neck just because she gets away with murder and doesn't have to lift a finger on any kind of housework. That and the fact that she gets to sleep in as late as she wants and I have to get up and do stuff. And she seems to have exclusive computer rights during break, which I can't say anything about because if I do (surprise, surprise) *I* get bitched at. ("If you two start fighting over the computer then neither one of you can get on for the ENTIRE BREAK!") I don't see how my being frustrated over the fact that my sister gets to do as she pleases with no consequences is fighting, voicing my (unpopular) opinion maybe, but hardly fighting. What's really driving me absolutely batty though is the fact that everybody's out of town pretty much (well, Noah's grounded...) leaving me with nobody to talk to or hang out with. Jon's cat, as adorable as he is, is hardly a wonderful conversationinst.
Yet at the same time I'm not really looking forward to going back to school either, because all that means is people being douchebags to eachother as we all cram for exams and jockey for position in band.
The thing is here that I'm not even annoyed at anything in particular (certainly not my parents, not even over the fact that my sister is a lazy punk. hell, I'm not even pissed at her really...), just frustrated with everything simultaneously, especially the fact that it's looking now like the one thing I'd hoped to accomplish during this break isn't going to happen.

2003-04-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

sleeping late on a Monday
Current music: 311 - "I'll be here awhile"
Current mood: accomplished & releived

I'm liking this no school thing. Last night I didn't go to bed until like, two. Today I got up and bummed around. The heating/air conditioning guys got here early, and they're still here fixing stuff and whatever. Mandy's going out with her friends later. This morning I ironed shirts and pressed some of the pieces of a new shirt that I just started working on. I also cleaned the bathroom. I was supposed to vaccum but the vaccum wasn't upstairs like I thought it was, and I didn't feel like lugging it up the front stairs and breaking something. So I still haven't done that yet. But I'll get to it. Work called this morning and they don't need me for Thursday evening, which is cool, cuz it means more chill time for me and I was thinking of taking the day off anyway. So if anybody else gets back by then, I'm down for whatever. Nobody's really around this week though, Jon's at the beach apparently livin' it up, I talked to him for a while on the phone last night. Which reminds me that I have to go over later and feed the cat and fish and stuff, it's a really nice day, maybe I'll even walk over or take my bike. I did a lot of crap yesterday, including continuing my training in driving a manual transmission. I didn't stall out...too many times. LoL.
Though uneventful, this break is gonna be good. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely wonderful. I'm still getting crap done and not feeling stressed about shit that has no real bearing on my life, like precal. (ok, particularly precal) And other matters as well, but on that front I've actually finally done something to vent and get out of the stress. So even if its just dumb and theres no way for things to work out I feel good in knowing that at least I said what was really on my mind. I think I'm one of those people where it's actually painful to just keep my mouth shut for any length of time, for better or worse.

2003-04-12T16:18:00.000-04:00

sunny saturday
Current music: Dream Theater - six degrees of inner turbulence
current mood: exhausted

Well today has certainly been a day of constant motion. This morning I managed to drag myself out of bed and eat a poptart before helping my parents push our dead car out of the garage so the tow truck could come, and went to the Sallie Mae college planning thingydoo with my dad. After that we came home and argued for awhile, and went to lunch at Ruby Tuesdays, followed by a trip to BJ's supposedly to get our easter ham for when my grandparents come next week, but we ended up buying a lot of other stuff, just because it's BJ's. While we were in there they called my dad's cell to tell us to come get the car, so we stopped on the way home to pick it up. Dad and mandy took the food and stuff home in the other car and we stayed at Toyota City to look at cars. Finally got home around 3 or so, and now I'm just chilling before I have to head out to work again. I just hope its as slow as last night was, because right now I am really really tired. Which is odd because as far as I know I actually went to bed pretty early last night since I got off early and everyone else is leaving town for break, including Jon, which reminds me I have to go over tomorrow and feed the cat & fish.
Yesterday I was pretty preoccupied with being ecstatic over the fact that helping Erin & Mr. Forbis haul boxes out to the dumpster was the first time I'd been exposed to sunlight in over a week. Work last night was dead for a Friday, which surprised me, one because Fridays the place is usually packed to the rafters, and because the weather was finally decent, I figured people would be more likely to want to get out of the house. But it was cool though because we were able to start clean up early and thus, leave early. It was funny, we had the radio on in the back and were all singing along (particularly loudly to "Self-Esteem" by the Offspring ) Which gave me the idea of giving Don a call, but then I was like, yeah, wait, its Friday night and he has a life, so I didn't and strangely enough I don't really remember what I did after that. It's the damndest thing, I remember mom reminding me that we had to get the car fixed in the morning, but after that I don't remember if I watched TV, got online, or went to bed. There's a memory lapse between talking to my mom and waking up at 6 AM having to pee. (just thought you might like to know that ^_^ )
Well today the sun is out and the sky is perfect, clear blue, and the station wagon works again (apparently the theft-deterrent system that we didn't know about caused the ignition to lock up when my dad tried to change the battery...) and I have to work tonight. But that's cool because we get Dunkin' Doughnuts on Saturdays, but since I don't come in till later there's usually not many left. (if a certain cook steals my doughnut I'm going to have to come after him with sharp objects : ) but it's all good...) I just hope its not too busy tonight because I'm tired and might screw something up. LoL. But tomorrow is sunday so i can sleep in...and finally see the Matrix: Reloaded trailer, which will probrably be the highlight of my week.

2003-04-11T16:08:00.000-04:00

BREAK!
Current music: Filter "the only way is the wrong way"
Current mood: optimistic

Well its finally break and the sun is finally out! hooray! the only outstanding assignment i have over the break is a precal assignment on a topic that i fail to understand in the slightest, so i'll probrably just scribble some parabolas on a peice of paper and say i did it. Work tonight, which is niftyness. Grandma isnt' getting here till saturday from what i'm told, so i can still do pretty much whatever for most of the break. (whatever=sleep) I hope it gets warm again, and I hope I manage to accomplish what I mean to during our nice little week off. Get some work done, resolve some issues, etc. But the sun is out, and it makes me happy.

2003-04-10T17:55:00.000-04:00

not saying anything of any real substance
current music: community bulletin board!
current mood: cold

Another day is goin' by
I'm thinking about you
All the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head
Cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight

This could be the one last chance
To make you understand, yeah

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make it better
Cuz somehow I can't
Put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me
Cuz I know I won't forget you

Together we broke all the rules
Dreamin' of droppin'
Out of school
And leave this place
Can never come back

So now, maybe after all these years
If you miss me, have no fear
I'll be here
I'll be waitin'

This could be the one last chance
To make you understand
And I just can't let you
Leave me once again, yeah

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Cuz somehow I can't
Put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me
Cuz I know I won't forget you

I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep
I can't forget you

Na na na
Na na na
And I'd do anything for you
Na na na
Na na na na

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Cuz somehow I can't
Put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you

To fall asleep with you
With you, yeah
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
Cuz I know I won't forget you
~ A Simple Plan

(who thinks i've been listening to too much pop-punk-emo lately? )

2003-04-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

theory again...two more days to freedom!
current music: computer cooling fans, auralia noises
current mood: random

I. Passed. Precal. Muahahahahaaa! Thus, I am not dead (sorry, Noah, looks like you wont be inheriting El Biftec.) Not a lot going on, finished all the auralia exercises and so has everybody else. I'd get on AIM but i'm prolly still logged in at home, and too lazy to mess with Fortress right now, as they apparently changed the codes to turn it off, so i'll have to talk to Libs i guess. Today is THursday, but i don't have to work tonight which will be nice, and i doubt the likelihood of having any homework as its the last A day before break. (YAY!) Its pouring out still and has been last night. The only remotely temperate room in the building is the computer lab where I am sitting as we speak, and thats only because forbis had the mercy to turn off the fans. ^_^ so its nice and warm in here. We were freezing in the band room. at least i was and that was wearing my velvet dress-shirt thingy, my big flannel, and my letter jacket. It better warm up over the weekend or I'm going to get violent. LoL. Hmm...oh yeah, Ramen Noodle is very yummy, and the new Linkin Park CD is pretty awesome (not that i, y'know, actually spent money on it but, y'know, whatever....) Kaysie keeps saying Zwan is really good and went to see them in Atlanta the other night, so i'm currently downloading a lot of their stuff on my computer at home, which as far as i know is still online, it never disconnected overnight, which is weird, but whatever. (maybe if we have time i'll IM myself later just for laughs) precal after this, then spanish, then history. already did the history reading, and i think i did pretty decently on that last essay. Matt thought we had the spanish test today, but i'm pretty sure we don't because last period was just busywork and we never actually did the cultura, but whatever. hehe. we were actually having a conversation earlier in spanish, which confused the hell out of forbis. hehe. la clase de espanol r0x0rs my s0x0rs, no? i can't make the upside down question marks or the wavy N thing....

2003-04-08T09:20:00.000-04:00

greetings from first block music theory
current music: auralia noises

We all finished our auralia assignment early and are all goofing off online. I already got my Sluggy fix for the day, and now i'm blogging. Hehehe. Beav's next to me looking at the cnn website. Today's the history test and the precal test, which he apparently is making a partner test, which might just save my behind in that class, but still, it is precal. Apparently my composition "Precal: a hymn of hatred" went over pretty well, and the final draft is due in friday, theres only a few things i have left that i have to fix. Spent most of the evening yesterday waiting on dinner, the heating fixing dude was talking to my parents about replacing the entire heating system in our house basically (because the one we have has been not working for quite some time) and they refused to make dinner until the guy left. which wasn't so bad because I ate a can of spagehti o's when i got home from school. But yeah, the heating dude seemed like a cool guy, apparently his son went to independence and had Mr. Payne for band. LoL. So it looks like they're completly overhauling the heat/ac in the house during spring break. Also, my grandma's visiting *shudder*....but I might get some extra hours at work, and a chance to hang out with Don for the first time since christmas break, which will be nice. It's stupid but i still miss him.
and i have to go to precal.

2003-04-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

rainy monday
current music: Coldplay "for you"
current mood: floaty/longing
Today was a fairly decent day even considering that its suddenly cold again, and it rained almost all day, meaning my mind was on something else entirely for much of it. But it was B day so that didn't really matter. They didn't open the band room this morning apparently because of the damage done by concert band Friday afternoon, which was apparently worse than we thought, even though Leslie, Beav, and I tried to clean up as much as possible trying to soften the blow and *prevent* them from locking the band room. In English I had to do my vocab presentation on "circumspect" which included my nifty cartoon drawing of secret CIA operatives "circumspectly" hunting my cartoon terrorists. I left my hair down and put on makeup for the first time in awhile, and wore my old ripped up jeans with this khaki-ish blouse i got in the gap for like $3. We all goof off a lot in my English class and talk all the time, which really annoys Mrs. Vaden, but anyway, I got up to do my presentation with the other guy, and this one guy in the front row (who's a fairly popular guy that's in a lot of my classes) right before I start my presentation like mouths something to me that I didn't get, so I leaned in for him to repeat it, and he says "you look hot today." I was like "thanks." I don't know if he seriously meant it or what, but reguardless it made my day. Health we didn't really do anything, thought we were *supposed* to be doing our skits on 'realistic acts of violence' which is a crock because that class is about evenly divided between preppy kids that have never left ballantyne and total crackheads. Anyway it was pretty entertaining to watch some of the skits, because they're just so stupid they're hillarious. Our teacher was about ready to fall out of his chair. We didn't do ours yet, but it involves me robbing a conveience store, including about 25 separate references to the movie Clerks. Band was basically a waste, all we did was collect music and listen to the festival tapes, which nobody really actually listened to. I was looking at Glamour with Sarah and Allie, Jon slept, and I think Noah was enthralled in his DungeonMaster's Guide or whatever. Chem, I learned what I needed to learn for the test and then spent the rest of the period doodling.
So yeah, today was a good day, even though the rain caused an inability to concentrate fully on much of anything for most of the day, especially considering recent thoughts/occurrances/feelings.
Tomorrow is gonna be nasty with the precal test on stuff I don't understand, and the WH test on stuff I did understand, but managed to forget over the weekend. But I'll just recopy my outlines again and it'll all be good. But its supposed to rain like this all week, and even if it didn't I'd probrably still be distracted by the same old thing.

2003-04-06T01:30:00.000-05:00

the mundane...
Current music: Bush "Float Star"

Pretty good day. This morning I got up, did laundry, cashed my check, and went to the mall with Mandy and Eliz. I bought all the stuff I'd set out to buy, including a pair of green soffe shorts, a cute hawaiian-ish halter in Pac-sun, & some other stuff. Neither Mandy or Eliz seemed really enthusiastic about actually being at the mall, but I suppose that could be attributed to the fact that neither of them had much cash and I have an annoying thing for bright colors and spending money. But Eliz got a really cute bathing suit in hot topic and Mandy got the cute blue "C is for cookie" shirt with Cookie monster on it. (8th grade....good times, good times!) It was nice to get out though and go shopping with othe peope besides my mom. (not that I don't enjoy shopping with mom, she's my mall buddy!) So then we got home, I made lunch and put away laundry. Parents watched some cooking shows, and then I headed out to the fabric store with mom to finish off buying everything on my shopping list for the week (interfacing (for a blouse I'm working on), twill tape (for a cute hawaiian print skirt), & fabric for a purse I'm going to make eventually) after that, got home, made dinner, changed for work, and put away the last of my laundry. Then went to work. The air conditioning still wasn't working, and it was still hot which was driving everyone nuts. By this point even the customers were complaining so my boss actually just got a ladder and put it on top of the cutting table and climbed up and started messing with the ceiling till a bunch of the ceiling tiles and the little metal thingys which hold them up fell down exposing the shiny metal air conditioning ducts, and the fact that apparently over the winter they fell apart. Hence, the cold air from the air conditioning wasn't getting to the kitchen because the vent was disconnected somehow. But he put it back together and the difference was noticed immediately. It was just an interesting spectacle, seeing our boss cimbing on furniture and stuff like that. I guess you kinda had to be there.

my brain...
Current Music: Billie Holiday "I'll Be Seeing You"
I'm dumb and I don't know what I'm doing. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I know how I feel, but I can't really put that into words without it sounding stupid. Which it would, no matter what I said about it, because there's really no logical reasoning to back it up. Not being in control bothers me, but I suppose this is a rare instance of the heart defying the brain. I care too much. It was raining when I woke up this morning. I rolled out of bed in this giant NASCAR t-shirt with Taz on it which used to be my dad's. It's big and comfortable and comes down around my knees. I just dragged myself out of bed and stood by the window for awhile watching the rain fall in the backyard before going downstairs to start some laundry and eat a poptart. It's funny how I tend to assosciate completely random irrelevant things with events or feelings. I don't know if I'm the only one that does this or not. It's like life is one giant example of literary symbolism. (either that or I've been writing too many English papers..."the earth symbolizes safety...") Like how for whatever reason I will always assosciate "Be Quiet and Drive" by the Deftones with the bus ride back after the Freedom competition last year when Mike fell asleep next to me after sitting on my discman while Brenna ranted about "No Biting in Dallas". And how perfect blue summer skies on warm days make me think of hell week and lifeguarding. The rain thing is a little bit harder to describe. I've always liked the rain. One of my earliest memories was going to the Woodbridge mall and buying stick on earings and walking back to the car in the rain, and then getting home and sitting on the back stairs to the basement eating ramen noodle out of my cambell's soup mug and watching the rain fall out the back screen door, and my parents being amused by the fact that at that age (like 3 maybe) I apparently couldn't pronounce the 'R' sound and kept saying "look it's waining!" It just seems nice to me for some reason, that the sky gets darker and it rains, its calm and dark, like sleep maybe. And when you go outside after it's been raining for awhile it smells nice. There totally is a rain smell, but the fabric softener people totally got it wrong. And thunderstorms on summer nights too. When the sky gets that really scary-dark shade of gray and it pours. Washes away everything. Mom had a creative way of describing thunder when we were little. "The angels are going bowling" she used to say. I dunno why that just came to mind but it did. And winter rain doesn't have the same effect. It's just depressing, where a good strong spring/summer rain has power I guess. And then there was that one night in july. I dunno what all this means or what I'm trying to say. I like the rain, but I don't know if I have anything definite to pin it to like I do for so many other things. Or if I did it would be something that probrably just seems dumb and pointless now.
If you were writing a Literary Analysis paper on my life, what would rain symbolize?

2003-04-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

brown-noser in love
current music: Linkin Park "Numb"
today has been a blur for the most part. Basically first block was a free period, 2nd we had that NCEPT test that i'm happy to say was the easiest thing i've had to do in precal this entire year. And then there was spanish and wh. Work was busy tonight but it was pay day so it's all good. I've been in constant motion this entire week and have had very little time to do anything non-school/work related, which has been a good thing in that it's a productive diversion, as always. Except for a few brief periods where conversation with a given person was what was on my mind.

I'm told a lot of people are currently pissed at me, but at this point, I'm fairly far from actually caring. In some cases apathy is power. People confuse me. I guess I confuse people. I was just wondering as I was in the shower after work de-nastifying myself (the air conditioner in the back wasn't working and all the ovens were on...) if I really am as much of a selfish/annoying/undeserving little bitch as people make me out to be sometimes. Even the few seemingly good things I do voluntarily are because of ulterior motives and the possibility of personal gain. I'm an asskisser and everybody knows it, I even admit it. Is there asskissing in love? Thats what I came to me standing there in the shower. Its kind of hard to explain my thought processes in this while still retaining the ambiguity I'm going for here. If you still really care about someone after they've stopped caring about you, would still do anything for them and be happy just knowing they're happy, on the slightest stupid hope of some reciprocity, does that make you a horrible person or does it just mean you're pathetic? Is it still selfish pesonal gain if all you want is to be loved back, or for the other person to just be happy. Whichever. If it gives some incentive, something to work for? I sometimes wonder if I do nothing but screw myself and others over constantly, often without realizing it. Maybe I am kryptonite for other people's sanity. Who the hell knows. I just feel like I'm always in the way. If not in somebody else's way, than in my own. Its' true that I have very little patience with other people (save for maybe 2 exceptions) but I have even less with myself. I wanna help, but the irony lies in the fact that in doing so I'll probrably only mess things up some more just because I'm Cindy. And I'm stupid as hell when I get like this.

I just want it to be summer again, so I can work at the pool and listen do DMB all day, with the sun warming my face looking at an infinite, clear blue sky, feeling loved, and at night ride in the car and dance in the rain

2003-04-01T20:26:00.000-05:00

I am dumb

LoL. Today was such a random day. Tomorrow is festival. I'm looking forward to never having to play "Havendance" ever again. I will miss "Intrusions" though, that peice rocked all. We had Law Explorers tonight, the next meeting is mock trial and me and Melanie are the defense team. Should be interesting. I seem to have forgotten what I was really meaning to say, so I think I'll just stop now.

2003-03-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

random thoughts
It is monday. I'm really not looking forward to festival. Aside from the fact that we suck this year we don't even get to miss school. But on the upside it's an excuse for a bus ride so I guess it's all good. This week is looking to be crazy. Tomorrow night is the exploring meeting, wednesday I'll be at festival till after 11, thursday is work, friday is also work (pay day! W007!) saturday I work at night but the rest of the day is free and I'll have cash. So anybody that wants to do anything (*pokes jon*) can just call me. *pweeze*? I was thinking about that this morning sitting in the band room looking over the history reading again, about the fact that I have a cell phone that nobody calls except my boss, and paused to feel really pathetic for a second. It was funny though, cuz tonight I was bumming around at home absently watching CSI and working on some crochet (after finishing precal & chem) and my phone goes off. So I talked to Don for awhile and then bummed around some more and here I am blogging and wanting to go to bed, as nobody is on AIM at the moment.
Hmm...what else have I been up to lately. Schoolwork, work, thinking too much. The blog is going to get redesigned again. I'm sure of that. Its just a matter of me actually sitting down and redoing everything. Which may or may not happen in the near or distant future. Maybe I'll try to make it more interactive-ish and have actual content. And finally post the pictures from the history club thing we had, y'know, a month ago. Gotta do something cool with flash, or an actual message board that people might actually use. (not this crappy tagboard shit that seems to only be working when it wants to...) but like I said, I would have to actually sit down and work on a design concept and all the techie stoof. So yeah, I'll get around to it...eventually...maybe.

Have you ever wondered, really wondered about happiness. Like, I was thinking (as I tend to do too much when I'm not occupied with some dull mindless task like an english paper or history outline) maybe some people just aren't meant to be happy. It just doesn't work. If you're happy you have nothing more to want, nothing to work for, really. Like last summer. I was completely happy and content. As a result I was completely lazy and sat on my ass doing nothing all summer except for hell week. Nothing got done. Then that all fell apart and I find myself doing nothing but work. And I'm getting things accomplished and all that. I like the idea of karma in that people really get what they deserve. You reap what you sow 'n st00f. I like to think that maybe I deserve the one thing I really want in life, the one thing that would really make me set for life on the happiness scale. But then I'm like, well, I did have that briefly. Maybe that was really all I did deserve. Perhaps I can't be really happy because then I'd never get anything done. I dunno, whatever.

i leave you with quiz resultses. hehe

You're the cheerful smile,the one that's truly
happy with almost everything you do and would
never cahnge your life.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Treize Khushrenada

Which Male Mobile Suit: Gundam Wing Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Gundam Wing girl are you?

You are Ryoko!!!! You are a hot space
pirate/demon.But looks are'nt everything,you
can definatly kick some butt. You are
hopelessly in love with Tenchi(and unfortunatly
so is Ayeka) You loove to bust on ayeka any
possible way you can.she also loves her
victory's as well. You can be foolish at times
and may need the help of ur so called mom
Washu. But when someone comes between you and
Tenchi... they better watch out.

What Tenchi Muyo Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Congrats, you are Lulu.You have your own opinions
on things and you certainly aren't afraid to
tell someone exactly what you think of them.
This makes you seem blunt and cold, but you
really care about your friends and won't allow
anyone to hurt them. If they do, you could
blast em with your strong magic attacks. Good
on you!

Which FFX character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Gee whiz, tell Mommy to stop babying you so much
and get out of the house once in a while. You
are the typical nerd. Congradulations, the
other kids walk all over you and make fun of
you, but you'll show them someday when you
develop the latest line of anti-depressants
that they will need when they are 35.

What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Isabel of Spain

Which female historical figure are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

pause and look back

wow. The other day at lunch I actually talked to Trixy (aka Kat) for the first time in like forever. While I was cleaning my room I found our little sheet of made-up superlatives that the three of us (me, Eliz, and Trixy) did presumably during one of those pointless classes with Mrs. Gerber back in 8th grade. It was a weird nostalgia-trip-ish thing. That and talking to Kat really brought to mind how much all of our friendships and all have really fallen apart and reformed and how much everybody's changed in the past few years. Like, we used to be really close and now we hardly talk to eachother, Brenbren and Libs talk to me only when absolutely necessary, Eliz was the one who convinced me to join mband and now she's quitting. The only person from back then that I'm still really tight with is Jon. But anyway, since I'm extremely bored I figured I'd share this weird trip with all of you. Somewhat of a snapshot of what used to be our little group about 2 or 3 years ago.

*random made-up superlatives from 7th or 8th grade*

Most likely to eat her children: Cindy
Biggest complainer: Kat/Libby
Most social: Libby
Least social: Mandy/Cindy
Most anorexic: Allie/Eliz
Least likely to clean her room: Libby
Most likely to all live together at some point: Cindy, Mandy, Kat, Eliz, Brenna, & Gwen
Muture ECU class: Kat & Megan
Future MIT class: Cindy Brenna and Mandy
Blossom: Brenna
Bubbles: Mandy/Lib
Buttercup: Cindy
Most likely to pose for playboy: Cindy/Allie
Most athletic: Brenna
Least athletic: Libby
Dedicated anarchist: Kat
Dedicated government punk: Cindy
Dedicated fan of violent video games: Eliz/Kat
Least likely to care: Kat
Most likely to succeed: Cindy
Least likely to succeed: Kat
Prettiest: Libby
Most Hyper: Eliz
Biggest control freak: Cindy
Creepiest: Mandy
Future Dommie: Allie
Future mother of 50: Brenna
Skankiest: Eliz/Cindy/Allie
Most likely to end up in mental institution: Brenna/Mandy/Kat
Most gothic: Mandy
Most likely to take over the world: Cindy
Most likely to be the next smurf: Gwen
Most likely to win survivor: Cindy
Most likely to confuse Libby with big words: Cindy
Most likely to gun down Britney Spears: Cindy
Most likely to kidnap Jake Lyod: Kat
Most likely to drop out of school: Mandy
Most likely to get arrested: gwen
Most likely to become a member of the CIA: Cindy
Most likely to become an anime charachter: Libby
Most likely to be a millionaire: Cindy
Most likely to own an adult bookstore: Kat
Most likely to be a stalker: Kat
Most likely to go on Jackass: Gwen
Most likely to die of Prozac overdose: Brenna
Most likely to move to Japan and work as an anime artist: Lib
Next Weird Al: Kat
Most likely to be a rockstar: Kat
Most likely to have fun with a flute: Gwen
Most likely to be that old lady down the street with all the cats: Brenna
Most likely to have a nervous breakdown: Brenna/Cindy
Most dyke-ish: Kat/Cindy
Most likely to be a reclusive yet successful writer/poet: mandy
Most likely to be a reclusive yet successful artist: cindy/kat
Most likely to write a dictionary: brenna/cindy
Biggest computer nerd: Cindy
Most likely to write bumper stickers: Kat/Mandy/Gwen
Most likely to win an oscar: brenna
Most likely to go to an ivy league school: Cindy/Mandy
Most likely to kill parents: cindy & mandy
Name is robert paulsen: Eliz
Most likely to start a fight club: Cindy & Kat (Cindy=nameless narrator guy, Kat= Tyler Durden)
Most like that guy on office space before transformation: Brenna
Stapler guy: Cindy
Strongest: Gwen
Most likely to always have crush on anime charachter: Cindy/Brenna
Best at pissing off gym teachers: Libby
Best sound effects: Lib
Buddy icon bandit: eliz
Worst hair: brenna
Funkiest eyes: Libby/Cindy
PMS-er of the year: Libby/Cindy
Will not ask questions about project mayhem: Eliz
Most proud gay guy: Wes
Dr. Evil & mini me: gwen and the cats.
Coolest Mom: Mrs. Ball
Worst Mom: Mrs. Nelson
Most bloodthirsty pets: Brenna's ferrits
Pet that won't die: Puppy MacLeod of the clan MacLeod (the hermit crab) & Cindy's foot-long 7-cent goldfish
Loudest: Libby & Cindy
Best sense of humor: Kat
Most likely to overthrow the government: Cindy with help of angry boytoy of the week & gwen
Most likely to have schzophrenia: Cindy/Allie/Libby
Most likely to win a pulitzer: Mandy
Most likely to win a nobel prize: Brenna- Peace, Cindy-Science
Most likely to win congressional medal of honor: brenna/cindy
Most likely to never get put together again: Brenna's fish
Most threatening: Cindy
Least thretatening: Lib
Stupidest rants: Kat
Biggest vocabulary: Cindy
Stupidest vocabulary: Lib
Best musician: Eliz
Most likely to die an interesting or suspicious death: Libby (EBOLI!!!)
Most likely to be a trained assasin: Cindy
Least successful slacker: Kat
Evil genius: Cindy/Mandy
Future porn star: Allie
Futer barenaked ladies groupie: Libby
Most likely to win golden globe: brenna
Hottest older brother: ...shooter! (does trent reznor have any siblings?)
Coolest younger sibling: uh...Gwandy!
Most likely to marry and divorce several times: Cindy

2003-03-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

current scenery

Sitting at the computer next to my open window, feeling the cool breeze and listening to nothing but the sound of the falling rain and the fans on my computer. The only real light to speak of is that of the monitor and the multicolored christmas lights around the ceiling. Sitting here in my pajamas I'm just thinking how much I like the rain and I wish I was outside, walking in the rain with somebody maybe. The most I can do is look out at the street below and listen to the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. It makes me think about good times gone by and gets me somewhat depressed, but whatever. tomorrow's another day

2003-03-26T17:35:00.000-05:00

a blow to the head, in a figurative and literal sense

Band concert last night. As we were getting on stage Jon inadvertently hit me in the face with his tuba. Thus, we have the literal blow to the head. (though the fact that I had Dashboard Confessional playing in and endless loop in my brain all day made me want to ram it against a brick wall repeatedly.)

Precal is always a figurative blow to the head in that you probrably are actually killing brain cells just trying to understand the material and stay awake during Herdt's lecture at the same time. This hypothesis is supported by the observation that upon leaving the class, one feels considerably dumber than they did before class started.
It was a good day as far as work and all that is concerned, but then I get home and sit down to start working on my history paper whilst bumming around online and get absolutely figuratively suckerpunched in the face by the same issue of two entries ago, but multiplied by about 100. It just hit me so hard when I read that. Because I care deeply and I know I shouldn't, I want to help but can't and I don't really matter but I feel responsible for no reason. (maybe that's just my nature) It kills. Especially now that I know what I know because it messes with my one little optomistic method of martyrdom. I could deal with it better if I knew he was happy and adjusted and better off. Now I know that that isn't the case and its just not cool. It's been really beautiful this week and right now its starting to rain.

On a more lighthearted note, precal was funny this morning in that we were all able to bear witness to the infinite stupidity of the administrative staff here at PHS. During this particular class we were taking a test, and I was wearing my "make 7up yours" shirt, which I wear on a pretty regular basis and several of my teachers think it's funny/cute/etc. So everyone's favorite assistant principal that sounds like a woman comes in and makes a big spectacle of telling me that my shirt was 'innappropriate and disruptive to the learning enviornment. You're going to have to take that off *turns red when classmates start laughing* or put something over it or something." Let's think about this. He is barging into a class *during a test* to tell a female student to take her shirt off? ROTFLMAO I'm sorry but I think the hipocrisy in this is just too funny for words. I think his reaction was way more disruptive to the 'learning enviornment" than my t-shirt. Mind you that this was during a test. I put my jacket on and he left after he realized how badly he'd just embarassed himself. (the entire half of the room where I was sitting was laughing uncontrolably at this statement.) I love our school. I really do. Only at Providence do you have admins that try to break up fights and get the crap beat out of them. It seems at time as though they're really only there for entertainment purposes. Didn't even ask my name or anything, just left after I put my jacket on and the others started cracking up. Later when I was walking to History some teacher I didn't recognize comes up to me and goes "great shirt, where'd you get it?"
LoL

2003-03-23T20:07:00.000-05:00

weekend in review, and random thoughts

This weekend considerably better than last. Worked, got paid, went shopping. 'Nuff said. Gots a great new pair of sandals on sale in shoe carnival, much-needed sunglasses in Pac-Sun (for driving, basically. And hell week.), and two really cute shirts in Kohl's. I also paid my cell phone bill, and bought some really cool hawaiian print fabric that I'm gonna make a shirt out of. Finished making this big poofy patchwork skirt that I'm probrably gonna wear tomorrow. The nice thing about big poufy skirts, I've found, is that they're loose enough that you can wear soffe shorts underneath and thus, not have to worry about how you sit on the bench or on the floor in the band room. (Aah, yet another reason I love soffe shorts...) Anyway I'm pretty pleased with the results of this skirt, and i have a ton of remnant that I dunno what I'm going to do with as of yet.

Concert Tuesday, Festival next week. Woohoo. It still seems like Havendance sucks, which I guess is because we still can't play it decently. Thoughts? Maybe it's just a combination of the fact that I don't really like that peice and we never play it all the way through. Just little bitty chunks of it repeatedly. Grr. I like Intrusions. If we're going to play bits and peices of a song repeatedly, can't it at least be Intrusions? Anyway at this point I don't think we're going to get a superior this year unless it somehow miraculously comes together at the last possible minute, and Furby is gonna get real pissed.

Hmm...what else have I been up to...not too much. I'm pissed that 60 Minutes isn't on because of basketball, but at the same time I'm sick of war coverage. It seems like whenever you turn on the TV it's always either basketball or the war. We watched some NASCAR today, which was a nice change of pace. Forgot who won. When we left to go out to dinner (@ Carrabbas') Bobby Labonte was in 2nd I think. I'm still somewhat stressed and pissed that my interview Friday didn't happen. It wasn't even my fault, I went during my lunch (with the other 5 people that were interviewing) and waited for these people to show up and interview me (and hopefully *hire* me) and they never came. So I'm gonna go either tomorrow or Tuesday and ask Coach Martin what's up with that. I turned in my application already and left a message on their little answering machine thingydoo with my number asking about interviews. I'm beginning to really hate other peoples'/companies' voicemail systems. I think they tell you to leave a message just to give you false hope. I think it probrably never actually gets recorded, or if it does, their voicemail already has 500 other messages in it and they'll never actually get to yours. It just bothers me. Not because I don't currently have a job, but because I really enjoyed doing the lifeguard thing (just not with evil human-resources nazi....) and wanted to get more of a full-time gig on for the summer because we don't have to do the music week thing anymore and I only work at Anzi's a few nights a week. I'd only be taking off hellweek and possibly another week to go to NY. Grr. It just bothers me. I can't just sit around the house all summer without losing my sanity. Everybody knows it's simply not possible for Cindy to sit still for any length of time.

As far as the other thing...its still bothering me. In more of a removed echo-y sort of way, I guess just because I'm momentarily bogged down with a lot of stuff to do. But still very much there.

2003-03-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

...

last weekend was really stressful, and i tried to write but blogger was beign gay and decided to delete everything i wrote. so here it is for the third time.

Last weekend just felt like everything was going south. It's funny how one random occurance/ chance meeting can cause your every ability to deal with life's everyday predicaments to be completely shot to hell. I was so on top of everything that i was hiding under, which is to say work/school. And then I find myself face to face with the one real problem that's been eating at me for months, no matter how much i try to distract myself with work and other people. No matter how impractical and dumb it all is i still cling to my ridiculously naieve hope. It completely defys all logic. How nothing at all has changed about how I feel. No matter how my brain tries to argue and rationalize against it, my heart will not see reason. I hate how it makes me weak like this, it makes me hate myself for being so completely irrational still, but at the same time it's not going away, and maybe I don't want it to. No matter how I try to distract myself from it.

But for what it's worth, if anything, just know that nothing has changed about the way I feel.

2003-03-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

....

Blogger keeps like, not posting my posts. So I'll write a really long one and then it somehow gets lost/deleted. It's a mild annoyance in comparison with others but still.
My mom is on a home improvement binge, and we fear that she will not stop until every major appliance in the house gets replaced. LoL. Still, it's pretty funny.
I'd written a really long rant over the weekend that got lost somehow, it was a really stressful weekend/week for me last weekend.
There were a lot of things going on, but, Isn't it funny how one random occurrance, some unexpected chance meeting can crop up and suddenly you find that your ability to cope with the trials of everyday predicaments is shot to hell. Yeah. One minute I have a lot on my plate and I'm on top of it all and then...a thought, a little reminder of something come and gone that I so desparately want back, and I get completely distracted. The one thing that lies of the core of so many other problems, this thing that I've been kidding myself about for months now that I thought was all ok now, never really was. I'd become a master at avoiding my own feelings and/or burying them in work. I am recovering that now. Keeping busy is key. I don't want to have to admit to or think about this. I know its' stupid, it proves that I probrably have little to no self-respect, its completely impractical, and there's no use in playing the what-if game and all that. It makes me weak and I hate myself for that, for being so stupid in the first place. But no matter how hard I try to rationalize and let go, in my heart nothing has changed at all. I feel the same way I did that night and it's not gonna go away, even if I go through this again, a thousand more times. Maybe I dont' really want it to because I at least want to maintain my childish hope, for the one thing I want above all else, as trivial as it probrably seems.

Just know that, for what it's worth, nothing has changed about the way I feel.

2003-03-13T16:33:00.000-05:00

eh...

I dunno why, but today was just kind of an off day for me. It was b day so it doesn't really matter very much, and the weather has been beautiful save for the freak downpour during 2nd block. I've been getting a lot done, for what its worth, last night i started my paper on All Quiet on the Western Front for english and managed to get the full write ups and whatnot done for the first four chapters (as of right now it's about 5 pages 12pt. times) Theory test tomorrow. (hooray) Precal still makes little to no sense, but thats because it's precal and I'm me. School is just school, and therefore it sucks, but there's really not anything that can be done about it, I just want it to be summer. The dead fish trees are blooming. The weathers great and things are looking up, but overall i still feel a little blah. I know precisely why, I know that it shouldn't bother me, I know it's my own fault, I know there's nothing I can do about it. I dug my dress out of the closet and left it out by my sewing machine to remind myself to fix it and all that before prom. I just need to fix the straps and it probrably won't take more than but a few minutes, it'll prolly get done sometime over the weekend I hope. Everyone else seems to be busy, so aside from work I'll probrably just spend the weekend bumming around. I really should find something to do to keep me busy, cuz if I'm not working I think too much, and it seems as of late my thoughts always turn to the same subject which I don't really want to think about. Today just threw me for my own personal reasons I guess, not even really in a good or bad way, it just did. Although tomorrow is Friday, the fact that it's an A day kind of ruins it for me. I hate a days. And it just seems like throughout it all these little reminders of all my inadequacies keep cropping up to remind me of how worthless I really am. Its the truth, really, anybody who thinks I'm really smart/funny/capable/nice is giving me way too much credit.
Maybe I've been listening to too much emo lately.

2003-03-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

All new stuff, same old crap

Not a whole lot going on around here lately. School, work, and the occasional eating and sleeping. My house has floors, and there is much rejoicing. We all went shopping on Sunday and had lunch at Olive Garden. It was a really beautiful day and I had money 'cuz I'd just been paid, and I got a really nice pair of cargos in Aeropostale for $10 (they were originally 50) School's been pretty decent, it's school, so it's only natural that I fervently loathe it with every fiber of my being, but each day that passes brings us one day closer to spring break and the end of the year.
Today I got a new cell phone. It's a cute lil nokia thing with voicemail and call-id, and I set my ring tone to Ride of the Valkyries. My screensaver is a cute little dancing happy face that whistles, causing little music notes to bounce around on the screen. I'm extremely proud of it because I'm paying for it myself.
Most of you will never know how empowering that feels. I was thinking about it today as I was walking down highway 51 after school to meet my mom. It totally boggles the mind how many people's parents actually won't let them get jobs and work and earn a living. Just because of a control issue I guess, and it's just easier to hand your kid the credit card than to teach them the real value of earning what you get. I think it's crazy. Our generation is going to grow up and still be reliant on our parents? If thats the case how can we ever expect to really contribute to our society and our world as a whole. I'll admit that sometimes I'm a little bit jealous of people that get everything handed to them and they don't have to work, it's not fair. But then I figure, if these people ever do really get out on their own they won't have a clue. Hopefully, I'll be able to support myself or at least try to. Stressful as it is at least I'm learning to be independent. I won't ever have to depend on my family or a man, and I give my parents credit for that 100%.
The more I think about it the more it weirds me out how next year is gonna be. I'll be a Junior. An upperclassman. With a license and a job and a phone and a class ring taking a crapload of college-level classes, wigging out about SATs, and getting dismissed from attention right after the seniors at the end of band practice. Like when we started talking about colleges in the band room this morning. Seriously. If you think about it, how could that thought not totally blow you away.

2003-03-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

My house has floors!

Well, you heard it here first. My house has floors. My parents' bedroom has carpet, there's vinyl flooring in the bathroom, and they just finished installing the Pergo in the living room, dining room and entry hall downstairs. Hooray for not walking on concrete and plywood anymore. Now comes the slightly more difficult task of putting all the furniture back where it goes, specifically the dining room shiznit. Also, we went tonight and ordered my class ring (which my parents agreed to pay for since the Canada trip got cancelled.) it took me forever but I finally settled on the red stone (the june purple one looked too dark, the blue I liked looked totally fake, the green was too light. The ruby looked really nifty so thats what I got.) it's gonna have marching band and my name on one side, and "united we stand" with like an eagle and a flag (and the year) on the other. Should be niftybeans. It's also one less thing to agonize about.
While tomorrow is B day (meaning I do little besides play my flute and sleep.) it seems that all of my A-day teachers except for Forbis have united against me and are all giving me tests on Monday, because evidently Mondays don't suck enough to start with. (Precal, which I'll be lucky to pass, Spanish should be an easy A, and World History I'll get a perfect score on multiple choice and good-but-not-good-enough on essay.) So I have all weekend to freak out about that.
As far as band next year, I still dunno. I mean I'll definitely do it, I know that much. (It wouldn't make sense for me not to, thats what I got on my ring!) And I love doing it too much to quit, but I'll be the only person in our section that isn't a senior, and everyone else is going to use it as an excuse to either ignore me completely or treat me like crap next season. But I'll probrably stay anyway, even if for no other reason than that if I wasn't in band I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I was talking to a bunch of my fellow band-geek sophmores today that I don't usually get to talk to much, several of whom had the same issues with all the politicking and people giving eachother shit. Everybody blames Forbis for everything but it's really not his fault, its us being shitheads to eachother, and people getting egotistical and bitchy for no real reason. I'll probrably still try out for leadership/dm next year even though it's completely pointless because I'll only be a Junior, and Bren-bren is totally convinced that she *will* be section leader next year reguardless just because she's a senior. She's probrably right, in which case I'll volunteer to be a floater if they do that again, because nobody really considers me part of the section anyway, but people (basically just freshmen and other sophs.) keep telling me I should try out again reguardless of the fact that I don't really have a chance in hell, and I will, if only for shits and giggles.
Still dunno exactly what's on tap for this weekend besides work Friday and Saturday nights (and getting paid, which is something nice to look forward to.) My sister may or may not be doing a chess tournament both days, and it's looking like me and Jon have been enlisted to help Noah with his project for film on Sunday. Aside from that and the usual schoolwork, I've got a bunch of random side projects that I'm itching to either finish/work on/start one of which is fixing my dress from last year, as it's looking like I am going to prom now. That shouldn't take me too long, though I'm not sure, I'll have to try it on and do all my measurements and stuff again, as I've lost some weight since last year. I also have a few other sewing projects currently in the works, and my big winter blanket that I want to fix before I put it away for the spring (one of the seams came undone because I was being lazy when I made it.) Plus helping the parents move furniture, linens,china, etc, working on the literary analysis thingy for English on All Quiet on the Western Front, studying for all the damn tests I have on Monday (Damn precal!) and all the usual household chores which Mandy never does. LoL.
My dad bought goldfish today and they're pretty. Hopefully they won't get so big that they ultimately end up moving to Jon's koi pond like our last few goldfish, which are now bigger than some of the koi probrably.
Ooh! And I'm also pleased to report that I got my MP3 player yesterday and it's awesome. It's so un-bulky, and plays cd-rw's with upwards of 100 songs on them. (it also has a radio and plays regular cd's, and numerous other features that I haven't figured out how to work yet.) Basically it kicks ass.
And I should probrably sleep because it's late. And I have work tomorrow. (not boring-sleep-inducing school work, after-school-getting-paid work. ^_^)

2003-03-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

eh, maybe I lied

My patience and my confidence in myself are wearing thin. It's only Monday and it feels like I've had nothing but people talking at me all day. Everybody's got their two cents to add and I dont' appreciate it, if I wanted your opinion beleive me, I'd ask you for it. The cleaning of the house is going pretty well and work has been good, albeit uneventful (take orders, make boxes, do dishes, get paid. Hardly rocket science there.) and Friday is pay day. woohoo. But in all seriousness, I'm having my doubts about so much right now, I'm wigging out. On the one hand, I have really good grades atm. My two lowest are theory (80 but everyone does crappy in theory 3rd quarter.) and precal (87) and all the rest are A's and I know that could cange for better or worse as a function of how much work I actually put in. I have all these random people trying to talk me out of doing all the AP shiznit, and probrably for good reason, but then I have the other (equally large) group of ppl that are like, you're totally up for it, you're capable of this kind of workload because you're Cindy, and you're smart, it's what you're supposed to do. On the one hand the skeptics only make me want to do it more, just so I can prove some people wrong and maybe get some respect. I think if I wimped out on some of it I'd be just as disappointed in myself as my parents would be. They're kind of at a point now where it just doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter how hard I work because it will never be good enough, not just for them but for mysef. I kind of resent the fact that I don't ever really get any recognition for anything I do while really stupid people are getting handed beemers (plural. because they get wrecked on a bimonthly basis) and such and basically being rewarded for mediocre grades. Meanwhile I'm actually taking hard courses and I'm lucky if I get even a congratulations, let alone a car or money. And schoolwork is the only thing I'm even remotely good at. I have little to no musical talent (I play and I love being in band, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm just a craptacular flute player) or athletic skills, or any other talents that I can somehow exploit.
Like sometimes I'll feel like a worthy intelligent human being if I'm in a class or something completely surrounded by idiots, and it's a nice ego boost, but then everybody that actually does have some brains knows I'm just an extremely loud village idiot. Sometimes I'll come up with pissy little excuses to support the illusion "I'm just slacking off: or I'm taking really hard classes" But it's always there. The knowledge that it's all bullshit. I'm not smart, I'm not capable, I'm a crappy flute player, I'm a slacker, nobody likes me, and I'll never be good enough. Sometimes I chose to deny it but its always there. All I want is respect and (ironically) I totally don't deserve it.
I find myself hating the people that know this truth and tell everyone else, which I shouldn't do because they're right (but I still hold to my beleif that anybody who would do *that* to me or anybody else for that matter forfeits their claim to the F***ing moral high ground*ahem*)!!!!!! My own parents even tend to side with that perspective, so I guess in this sort of a situation you win, I admit it
I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I DESERVE THIS
Maybe I should have just done what you asked of me and it all would have been ok.
Are you happy yet? (I'm fairly miserable at the moment and I've just admitted that you've won, {you egotistical little prick}, so no doubt you must be.)
You may have won this battle, but maybe in my own (quiet for a change) way I'll win the war.
As much as it all sucks right now I like to think I'm only drawing more power from it. I'll have my bite me 's, maybe I'll even be a worthwile human being one of these days.
Yeah. One of these days.
Aw F*** it. Go to hell all of you. I may be loud and dumb and uptight and worthless now but I'm sticking to my guns on this and everything else. Next year I'm going to work my ass to the bone, and I'm going to enjoy every minute, and I'm not going to trust anyone (especially anyone with a penis) because I've learned where that gets you.
I still have hope that maybe some day I'll succeed and I'll be worth something.
And you won't be.
And I won't have to care about anybody besides my family because I'll have money and they'll finally be proud of me for something and because their opinion is all that matters anyway.

2003-02-28T23:27:00.000-05:00

Warning: I am hyper.

things are looking up somewhat. for example, the upstairs part of my house now has carpet, meaning that all the extra furniture that was residing in my room temporarily is now gone. (I have a floor in my room too. apparently this was always the case, i just never noticed it until now...) If I understand this correctly, they deliver the flooring for the downstairs tomorrow, but they're not installing it until Wednesday of next week. We're using the ensuing Furniture Moving Extravaganza as an excuse to clean the whole house and get rid of all the crap we don't wear/use anymore. Seems to be going well. (I mean really, how many orange tank tops do I need? I think six is too many...I'm keeping 3.....) And I'm pretty much done with the registration wig out for next year. Based on talking to all of my teachers and all the ppl that I know that are in the classes I'm interested in, next year is looking like:
~AP US History (which, yes, I know, is going to kick my ass. )
~AP English
~AP Theory
~AP Statistics
~Symphonic band (possibly for honors credit)
~AP Bio (along with my two bestest friends in the world...AP Bio study party. w007....or not...)
~Span. III (probrably pacesetter, because its a garuntee of not getting Stone, which would be bad considering all the stories I've heard.)
~And of course....Marching Band.
Before you ask me, yes I am a workaholic/masochist. But you should have already known that.
Anyway this whole week I've kicked into hyper-constant-motion-get-things-done mode. Which is nice. I know it's somewhat of a coping mechanism with all the shiznit that's been going on lately, if I'm doing something I don't have time to just stop and think about people or about life. I've been really working my booty off this week as far as studying for random tests quizzes and seeing some results, my big weekend undertaking (in between the explorers trip, the history club thing, and work) is cleaning out my closet, which, you don't understand, is a truly *massive* undertaking. Even now I'm trying things on and assembling a bag for goodwill.
ooh! ooh! and last night i ordered this which is apparently awesome and should arrive next week.
I'm getting things accomplished
And my house is getting floors.
W007

2003-02-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

just to clarify

This isn't about matt or prom or canada or any of that shit. That couldn't concern me any less, the point is that nobody even considered inviting me. The point is everyone had their extra tickets and I wasn't even on your short list of people to include. I'm sorry, but I thought we were friends here, I guess I was wrong. Evidently I'm not good enough to be a part of your little group. This is not the first time you people have done this to me, it's happened continually since i got here, and quite frankly i'm sick of it. The better part of you obviously have no respect for my feelings or opinions, and whenever I bring it up I get the standard "oh, we're sorry Cindy, you know we love you, we promise we'll include you next time we do something." And nobody ever does. It's always 'we're sorry, next time' and there never is a next time. At the very least I give Bry credit for at least trying to be nice to me even if it is complete bs, she's just a nice person and it would be totally wrong of me not to give her a shoutout for at least giving the illusion of caring, which I'm certainly not getting from any of the rest of you, and as such i see no reason to even try to assosciate with you guys anymore, which is why I'm not hanging out in the bad room or making any effort at conversation during lunch. I'll go to the band room if i have a class in there or i need to get stuff out of my locker, and i sit by the band bench purely out of habit because its obvious to me now that none of you really want me to be there. It's not that i'm leaving the group, that would be like quitting a job when you don't work there. I realize that i was never actually a part of your group, I was 'Jon's friend that's just kind of in the room for no particular reason' and even he isnt backing me up on this, so screw it, i'm done.

2003-02-24T21:38:00.000-05:00

i get the point already

Ohkay, I give up. You won and I give up. I just find it difficult/inconvenient/annoying/unnecessary to care about you guys any more because you seem to all be going to great lengths to let me know that you no longer care about me. See, I thought (and apparently I was mistaken in this) that the whole point of having good friends that you trust was that people would stick up for you when other outside parties decide they're going to be douchebags and try to fuck with your life. No, I have the kind of friends that decide to just quit caring/ignore me completely and take sides with a guy who happens to be the biggest mysogynist douchebag in the state of North Carolina and beleive every word of bullshit that ever eminates from his lips over anything said by someone that was supposedly their friend to start with. It pisses me off especially that the one person i thought i could definitely count on for some support won't back me up at all because it isn't within their little social intrests. Then again maybe I was completely off base in thinking you guys were my friends in the first place, maybe that's only the case when it's convenient for you.
The main point here is I don't know what to do anymore and I shouldn't have to do anything because I thought you guys were my friends, but I start to question that when I realize that you don't give a shit about my opinions or feelings about this (or probrably anything else), and most of you don't even want to talk to me; I've been on AIM basically all night and nobody has even gone to the trouble to say so much as "hi".
I guess maybe i was completely off base about my being well adjusted and assuming that i have friends that care about me. I'm just kind of there, and occasionally I do something stupid and/or amusing, but I'm not really your friend and douchebag boy is. Fair enough. If you guys don't want me around (and you so obviously don't) it's cool, I'll effin' leave, it's really no skin off my arse, and it's obviously no loss to you all.
Yeah, in case you haven't gathered this by now, i'm rather pissed at everyone.
Hell will freeze over before i get free food for you guys anymore (except maybe for eliz, noah, taylor and maybe bry, the only 3 people i have nothing against at the moment.)

2003-02-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

Tuesday afternoon

Feeling considerably better than I was on Sunday. Hung out at Jon's last night, we rented Signs and ate chocolate. And today went to lunch with him and Noah and Manda (my sister) . I got everybody pizza. N' cheese sticks. Woohoo! I find it really weird that we somehow got off school today. Its all sunny out and the roads are dry. I find it somewhat amusing that mother nature managed to win us back two days of the 5 day weekend that we lost. 'Cept now we lose effin' Memorial day. grr. they were suppposed to take spring break cuz it doesn't matter to us band geeks, as we'll all be in Canada and will miss school anyway. Also, I *think* tomorrow is a B day but I'm not entirely sure. I hope it is because it means little to no actual work. Though I do have *work* work tomorrow. And pay day is Friday. Yay. I think the whole not having school thing has made me somewhat spoiled. I'm so not going to be able to wake up at 5:30 tomorrow.

2003-02-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

ugh

At present i'm curled up on my bed listening to a perfect circle and wanting this pain in my head to go away.

2003-02-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

thoughts

This weekend has been...mlah. Valentine's day has come and gone, which was like, yeah, hey, ok, whatever. For me it was just a crappy a day and a crazy shift at work, so I was on my toes for much of it and didn't really have time to think. It didn't really register until I found myself curled up on the couch today watching the Daytona 500 (nascar...)and feeling like an elephant was squishing my head, what should have/would have been. I seem to be sick and rather miserable at the moment, and that can't really be helped, but I had a thought about one particularly nice way it would have been better. It doesn't really even bother me, I'm over that loss now, but I think I've figured something out.
I think I know what I want now in a relationship. I don't want bitchy little soap opera drama, I don't want someone who sees me as easy pussy and little else, I don't want to be smothered in not-so-random acts of romantic-ness or pretty-sounding bulls**t. I don't want to be told"I love you" I wanna see it, I need to be shown. Words are completely meaningless. I know that now. If I hook up with anybody in the near future I don't want frivolous conversations to the tune of 'you're so wonderful/beautiful/etc.' "no, *you* are, I'm a loser." I want *real* conversation. I wanna take the time to develop a good solid friendship before the other stuff comes into play. Something so that, even if itdoesn't work out I'll still have a close friend I can count on. I want to be with somebody that really cares about me and that I really care about, that I have stuff in common with and can talk to about stuff besides eachother. I still wouldn't mind little random acts of romance, but not in such an excess that it seems completely fake. I think what I need/want is a really good friend, that will pay for dinner, hold my hand, have long random phone coversations with about nothing in particular, hold me, and actually *love* me, for real. Above all though I want something stable and low stress. The whole point of having a BF should be that it's just all good and you don't have to constantly be worrying about stupid little crap. (Also, someone who isn't going to suddenly abandon me the minute something better comes along would be nice too, but I don't wanna be too terribly picky now, do I?)
oh what the hell am i rambling about. i don't even think i really know. whatever.

2003-02-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

...

i love you <3

2003-02-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

a slight untangling the aforementioned webs

Well, it seems that its' finally all good between me and a bunch of people, which i'm quite happy about, cuz it'll hopefully cause the dark cloud of interpersonal tension that seems to have descended on the band room as of late to dissipate. I'm in an optimistic-ish mood about it at least because i'm hoping that this time everything is really all cool with people and its not just backstage politicking for personal agendas again. but hey, whatever. As long as its all ok with everybody else its all ok with me, and even if it's not ok with everyone else, it doesn't really matter because on the grand scale it's not that important. People's screwy little social issues generally don't bother me quite so much any more unless they involve people really close to me, and even then, i try not to concern myself with it too much. I have a lot of my own little agendas too, and i'm meeting and getting to know new ppl too, and getting over others, and trying to deal with myself and be patient. There's stuff that i want and stuff that i wanna accomplish and sitting still and waiting is not in my nature. I get antsy. THis has remained the fact throughout my entire 15 year existence. I know what i want, make no mistake, but unlike a lot of people i am not prepared to step all over other people to get it, so i'll just have to deal with my own natural tendencty toward impatience.
On another note entirely i seem to have a lot of little side projects and stuff that i really want to do and have the energy to do, but at the same time, i seem to be too lazy to get off my ass and actually do them. For one thing overhauling/moving this site and 302 (and putting actual content and links on 302), learning flash, making clothes from all the fabric i just bought, and working more on both random guitar stuff and festival music for band. I also feel unusually motivated to really work my ass off studying for the next world history test (which apparently includes a huge-ass 80 point essay on "the commercial revolution" ) and the theory retake on friday. (the good news; i got the 2nd highest score in the class...the bad news...it was a 79. Class high was an 82 by Matt because he just has mad skills like that.)
The thing is, people think i'm way smarter than i am, even people that don't even really know me. Like today in WH, Mr. D was making fun of stupid people for doing stupid things as always, and when an unnamed classmate of ours made some blatantly moronic statement about how the Puritans discovered america, proving Mr. D's point that they were in fact a total dubass, me and this other guy start sarcastically applauding, which only confuses them more. Response: "why are they clapping? Plante and Till are the two smartest people in here and they're clapping for no reason...what's funny...wait.....is it a smart people thing?" (it seems they've omitted Sturges completely, he's sitting quietly behind me looking around the room, and he's *really* the smartest one there.) Mr. D is all but rolling on the floor laughing by this point. And then there's Eliz, who seems to have me lumped in with her little category of "smart people" (which consists apparently of Kamal, Sweta, Starks, VT, and myself) and i'm like...oh...kay. Yeah. Why do people think i'm smart? Seriously? I've had people tell me they think i'm gonna be valedictorian and i look at them like they're on crack. Because no offense to anybody but yeah...I think that if you think I'm actually reasonably intelligent it just proves that you're an idiot. Have you seen my last SAT scores? My last report card? No? Yeah, thats what I thought. Geeky, yes, but smart, hell no. Probrably not even above average, not for our school at least. And my dad is going to read this and corner me about how I'm not living up to my true potential, and I'm being lazy and hiding my supposed smartness because I want to be accepted by my peers or some afterschool special bullshit about how I'm basically secretly longing to be an abercrombie-wearing anorexic boy band-loving freak like every other girl at our school that isn't in band. (it really bothers me that my dad thinks i'm that shallow, but that's another rant entirely.) It's not that i'm not trying, I'm working my ass off especially in precal, but i simply can not do math. period. And yes, i've been going about the world history essays all wrong and i know that now and my grades will improve because i *do* actually know the stuff, i just concentrate too much on the essay aspect of it and not enough on the picky little details. Theory i just can't rhythmically dictate my way out of a paper bag, but neither can anybody else, and all the rest is just dumb mistakes. I really am trying but i'm not as good as everybody thinks i am or wants me to be, because i *can't* Even *I* am not studying all the freaking time, beleive it or not. Really, nothing would please me more than getting straight a's in all my classes and to be content with studying all the time, but i just can't do that. In all seriousness the only reason i get any recognition at all is because i'm just louder and more outgoing than everbody else. I mean, come on people, we knew this! There's a very distinct difference between being intelligent and being loud. Yes, it bothers me, I wish i were as smart and capable and work obsessed as everybody thinks i am, but i'm *nOt* and i can't be. The bottom line here is simply this; I am me. I am Cindy Plante, no more, no less.
And yeah, I kinda went off on a tangent there from what i originally set out to say, but was on my mind anyway so i guess it wasn't entirely wasted. But to be honest I don't even really remember what i was thinking originally, so i think i'll just stop there. g'night all.

2003-02-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

surprisingly refreshing

a fairly good day considering. not nearly as bad as i expected and as such i'm in a pretty good mood ("peachy") lol. and i hope and expect that this trend will continue until someone or something happens to change it (which it inevitably will.) the fact that there were so damn many tests today means that i have little to no homework which is nice, and next week is mostly b days. (yay!) Things are not as bad as they appeared when i blogged last night after totally wigging out over people. Even that seems to be not so bad, but i dunno. again, still not entirely sure whats on tap for tomrrow but whatever. i know i do have to work at night. i had all this stuff i was gonna say and it just all floated out of my head and evaporated. maybe it'll come back to me later.

2003-02-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

Oh the tangled webs we weave...

Wow. It seems these days as if no one seems to be operating on the same wavelength or anything even remotely close. I know that a good friend of mine (friend A) is about to hurt another close friend of mine (friend B). Friend B does not see this coming, and cares about Friend A a great deal, because he has no idea that Friend A does not reciprocate this and plans to dump Friend B. Meanwhile, the webmistress has no desire to get involved in this at all but fears that fallout from such a falling out would severly damage the peace and serenity of our whole little group. Said webmistress also knows that hypothetical Dude X, who is not a part of said group, has a massive crush on her and loves her to death. Webmistress does not feel the same way. It's nothing personal, she just doesn't feel that she has very much in common with Dude X and feels that such a relationship would only add stress to her life. No, she has to be dumb and have a secret-but-not thing for Dude Y. She's almost completely certain Dude Y knows this and feels like a complete retard for having admitted it at the completely wrong time wilst he was wigging out over other people who aren't special enough to get a letter, quite possibly blowing any chances she might have had with Dude Y to begin with. So webmistress is just going to lay back and chill and try to maintain and strengthen platonic friendship with Dude Y (because he's a really cool guy anyway, and is the only stable, nice, and stupid-yet-mature male she knows besides the unknowingly unfortunate Friend B and previously unmentioned Best-Friend-that's-like-a-brother-but-not.) and see if anything happens there if and when he gets over some issues. Her sister also seems kinda down lately and she doesnt' know why, and knows she hasn't really been there for her lately and feels really bad about that too. Meanwhile, she still feels guilty over not liking Dude X, because he seems like a really sweet guy, but just completely not her type.
She's also freaking out about tomorrow's theory test, but studied a shitload and is hoping Forby will show some mercy.
Webmistress just wants it to be summer again so she won't have to worry about theory or precal, and can just play her guitar and her flute and work at the pool and the pizza place and go to band camp and get her drivers' license and everyone will be happy and all live in harmony with eachother again and she'll feel mellow and happy and at peace .
Webmistress is just here and she loves everybody, even Dude X, though not like that, and she feels terrible if she's hurting him because she doesn't want or mean to hurt anybody, and she knows he'll find his own peace and happiness if he looks for it. She Loves her sister because she's such an awesome kid and she wishes she was that cool and talented when she was that age, and she needs to know that she's worked really hard and shouldn't give up now. She loves Friend A & Friend B and hope everything works out peacefully for them, She loves Dude Y because he's such a wonderful caring person & wants him to be happy. She loves all her messed up friends and ther problems & thanks them for putting up with her & wants everybody to know that if they're having problems she'll be there for you so feel free to AIM/call/show up at my house because lord knows she dumps on you all enough as it is.
She's also loves A Perfect Circle.
And She's tired of referring to myself in the third person. *_*

(confused yet?)

2003-02-06T20:02:00.000-05:00

Life...

Not a lot going on today, pretty boring b day. Tomorrow however, will be icky. I have major tests in both theory and precal. and work. I need to study for both. I don't really want to study for either. I know i need to work on trig identities and shorthand notation for triad and 7th inversions plus the actual inversions themselves. I know the unit circle. I know major minor augmented and diminshed triads. I need to look at noes more and write things repeatedly. But i feel crappy, and everyone in my house right now feels crappy. There was a techconnect meeting today which was nifty. and tomorrow there's work which will be interesting to say tht least (pizza place on a friday night. *eeep!*)
After searching everywhere i finally found the "all the arms we need" graphic with the kids hugging. BUt i still couldn't find the actual patch anywhere, so i just downloaded it and cleaned up the image a bit and printed it out on this funky cloth-like material that you can put in your printer. So i have my own ghetto-ish version of the all the arms we need patch in several different colors. (blue, green, burgundy, and black) anyway it's real nifty. hmm...dunno whats on tap for the weekend aside from work and some laundry that's gotta get done. (almost out of cargo pants! 0_o ) possibly do the mall on sat with some people. dunno. hmm...what else have I been up to. Not much. *mlah* Feeling kinda not the greatest but oh well. Winter does this to me, and everyone i think. Still optimistic & bouncy (or trying to be) even if i really shouldn't be.
I dunno if i can really write about how i'm feeling right now because i don't quite know if i'm really feeling anything. Thats probrably a good thing. I'm here and i'm getting things accomplished (or trying to) and overall things seem to be on the up, and i guess that's all that really matters. I'd say i'm content with life as of now, and although 3rd quarter is going to be a biyatch as far as workload goes i think if i can keep myself motivated and moving i can do it. So yeah, i'm feeling good about that at least. And there are things and people that i've finally learned to let go of, and new stuff that may or may not go anywhere. I'm hopeful though the odds are not in my favor. but oh well. I can dream can't i?

2003-02-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

x. name = Cindy
x. birthday = 6/2
x. piercings = ears
x. tattoos = none
x. height = 5'6
x. shoe size = 9
x. hair color = reddish-brownish-blondish
x. hair length = to my elbows
x. siblings = lil sister manda
x. pets = goldfish. the snail died.

last...
x. movie you rented = spiderman, i think
x. movie you bought = mandy bought me moulin rouge for xmas. *huggums*
x. movie you saw on tv = Moonstruck
x. with who = Mom
x. movie you saw at the theater = The Hours
x. with who = Taylor
x. song you listened to = Apocalyptica "until it sleeps"
x. song that was stuck in your head = bic runga "sway"
x. song you've downloaded = Ben Folds Five "raindrops keep falling on my head"
x. cd you bought = rival schools United By Fate
x. cd you listened to = A perfect Circle Mer De Noms
x. person you called = grandma
x. person that has called you = roger, giving me a job : )
x. tv show you've watched = Malcolm in the Middle
x. food you ate = Fettucini Alfredo (yummy!)
x. person you were thinking of = guy i like ^_~
do...
x. you have a bf or gf = nope
x. you have a crush on someone = yeah
x. who= I'm not going to say, since everyone pretty much already knows.
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = either NYC or someplace warm and tropical ish
x. you think about suicide = no, life is good for right now
x. you believe in online dating = LOL no!
x. others find you attractive = lol. no.
x. you want more piercings = no
x. you want more tattoos = no
x. you do drugs = no
x. you smoke = no
x. you like cleaning =depends how motivated i am
x. you like roller coasters = yeah
x. you write in cursive or print = a weird combo of both
x. you carry a donor card = no
x. you have any mental disorders = officially no. though they thought i was ADD for a long time.
for or against
x. long distance relationships = some ppl it works, usually it doesnt
x. using someone = refusing to answer due to biased opinion
x. suicide = whatever
x. killing people = some people (sadaam hussein, bin laden, etc.) deserve to die.
x. teenage smoking = an inneficient and costly method of killing stupid people
x. doing drugs = not for me (i'm like this naturally) but people are gonna do whatever anyway
x. premarital sex = do what you want. but use protection, the last thing this world needs is more stupid people
x. driving drunk = against.
x. gay/lesbian relationships = not for me, but i'm nobody to infringe on other peoples right to do whatever.
x. soap operas = ROTFLMAO

favorite...
x. food = pizza/lo-mein/chocolate/lasagna/ravioli.....
x. song = Tool "perabola"
x. thing to talk about = Music, the world, life
x. sports = football!!
x. drinks = coke
x. clothes = mens' cargos, sneakers, tshirt/sweatshirt, letter jacket...(omg, eliz is right, i *do* dress like VT...)
x. movies = Moulin Rouge, Fight Club, Moonstruck, The Matrix
x. band = A Perfect Circle
x. holiday = 4th of July. Because America rocks....and so does blowing things up ^_^
x. cars = BMW Z3 convertible and old vw beetles
x. season = summer
x. people to hang out with = Jon, Noah, Jenny, Munkee, Taylor, Eliz, and my family
x. store = Old Navy, Best Buy, Compusa

least favorite...
x. food = Leftovers, except for lo mein and pizza
x. band = any boy band, avril lavigne
x. movie = City of Angels was lame. Meg Ryan as a brain surgeon? YEAH RIGHT!
x. class = precal
x. teacher = either my precal teacher or my spanish teacher
x. holiday = Christmas.
x. store = express
x. season = winter
x. drink = coffee
x. clothes = shirts made of uncomfortable itchy fabrics that irritate my skin
x. thing to talk about = detailed descriptions of gory injuries, surgureys, diseases. I generally avoid such topics by passing out or puking.
x. song = Lifehouse "spin" makes me cry

your ideal...
x. place to live = NYC or someplace warm near a beach
x. job = something where I get paid a lot of money to do something i enjoy and can be myself
x. date = Lawn seats at Verizon for a good concert ( Chicago was a lot of fun. or DMB, APC...) Or one of the free outdoor symphony concerts in the summer.
x. vacation = someplace with tropical beaches where i can lay around in a bikini all day
x. bf/gf = likes the same music i do, intelligent, witty, hot but not in a conventional sense, somewhat artistic, w/ a sensitive side few ppl know about, values me as a person and a friend, that i can actually have long random conversations with (conversations that arent about 'how much i love you')
x. life = I'm loved, Self-sufficient (primarily financially) living more than comfortably in either NYC or someplace warm near a beach, where i can be me and not have to answer to anybody about it.

have you...
x. ever cried over a girl = yes myself if that counts
x. ever cried over a guy = yes and am mad at myself for it
x. ever lied to someone = yes
x. ever been in a fist fight = yup
x. ever been arrested = no
x. ever bushed somebody= YES!
x. who? Redstripe. LoL
what...
x. shampoo do you use = herbal essences. LoL
x. perfume do you use = Ralph, when i use perfume
x. shoes do you wear = saucony sneakers
x. are you scared of = being alone, wrecking the car, being in debt
x. of number of times I have been in love? = it wasnt really love. just a really good illusion.
x. of number of times I have had my heart broken? = once
x. of hearts I have broken? = none
x. of boys I have kissed? = 4
x. of girls I have kissed? = my mommy and relatives
x. of men I've slept with? = none, because most of them are jackasses
x. of girls I've slept with? = reguardless of what they told you, i'm straight.
x. of continents I have lived in? = one,
x. of drugs taken illegally? = none
x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = 2
x.who are they?= Jon and Noah
x. of people I consider my enemies? = 2
x. people from high school that I stayed in contact with? = i'm still in highschool
x. of cd's that I own? = dunno offhand
x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = 3
x. of scars on my body? = 1 on my chin from, a few random ones elsewhere
x. of things in my past that I regret? = dating matt

2003-02-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

1. What time is it? 841pm
2. Full Name? Cynthia Annette Plante
3. Nicknames? Cindy is the only one that i'm aware of, but i apparently have others, .
4. Parents' names: Brian and Kat.
5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: i'm 15 but it only had like 4 candles on it. how low budjet.
6. Date that you regularly blow them out: Jun. 2nd
7. Pets: goldfish, narcoleptic snail
8. Height: 5'6".
9. Eye color: hazel green.
10. Hair color: brownish-reddish-blonde-ish.
11. Piercings: ears
12. Tattoos: nope
13. How much do you love your job, on a 1 to 10 scale? considering yesterday was my first day, i'll say like a 5. My last job about a 9.
14. Birthplace: Edison, NJ
15. Current residence: Matthews, NC.
16. Been to Europe: nope
17: Been toilet papering/ballooning? lol. yeah. surprisingly enough, on a youth group retreat.
18: Been toilet papered/ballooned? yup. mischeif night in NJ
19: Loved somebody so much it made you cry? yes.
20: Been in a car crash? Yes. Damn deer.
21: Croutons or bacon bits? croutons, garlic, yay
22. Doors on car: 4. and its a hatchback
23. Coffee or ice cream? cookie dough icecream
24. Blanket or stuffed Animal? security blanket.....
25. Real hair color: reddish-brownish
26. Dumper or dumpee? dumpee.....grr..
27. Salad dressing? no dressing.
28: Color of socks? freaky argyle
29. Lucky number? 7
30. Place to be kissed? location or body part? i'm sorry but this question needs to be more specific. I'll answer both nonetheless. The lake behind the arb, and (crazy as it sounds) my ears.
31. Movie? Moulin Rouge/Moonstruck/Fight Club/The Matrix (i cant pick just one!)
32. Music? prog rock, classic rock, alternative. anything but pop/rap.
33. Foods? italian
34. Day of the Week: friday.
36. TV Show: the simpsons (duh!)
37. Toothpaste: minty fresh....hell i don't give a crap!
38. Restaurant: olive garden. and chilis at midnight with 50 insane band geeks
39. Flower: rose, just about any color
40. Least Favorite Thing: hospitals
41. Sport to watch: football
42. Fast food restaurant: chick fil a.
43. When was your last hospital visit? When my mom had back surgurey. only other time was when i got stitches on my chin and i was 4 then.
4. Favorite drink? coke
45. What color is your bedroom carpet: dunno, there's furniture and laundry and computer parts all over it. i'll have to get back to you on that.
46. How many times did you fail your permit and/or driver's test? once
48. What is freedom? being my weird quirky self
49. Who is the last person you got e-mail from? "Hot farm girls get naughty with sheep" wow. thats sad. i never get email from actual ppl, just porn spam.
50. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? nope
51. Which store would you choose to max your credit on? vitality computer or best buy prolly
52. What do you do when you are bored? im people, sleep
53. What words or phrases do you overuse? cool/nifty beans
54. Friends who live farthest away? the ones at nc state
55. Most annoying thing? Stores not having my size of something thats on sale
56. Best things? falling in love, being with friends and family, rain, lawn seats at a concert, chilis nights, band season, summer, water, being loved, being held, bus rides. road trips
57. Bedtime? oh i'm sorry, you think i sleep
58. Who will respond to this fastest? Taylor, cuz i told him to
59. What time is it now? 855
60. Who is least likely to respond at all? hmm...Brenna never blogs anymore.

2003-02-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

pretty decent day. got up surprisingly early for a sunday and considering how late i was up saturday night bumming around. but i went out shopping with mum and drove around some. Went in old navy and after much searching found a pair of cargos in my size and bought 'em. and a really cute shirt. Then we went to the fabric store where I got another skirt pattern and fabric for 2 pending projects. The frustrating thing right now though is that with all the extra furniture in my room right now I can't really sew and I'm itching to start something new. I put gas in the car and I drove the car in the car wash today, which kinda freaked me out because you have to drive over the little thingy for it to start and i kept thinking I didnt hit it right. But what annoyed me was that while I was driving mom starts going off about how if my grades silp this quarter they'll make me quit my job. oh. yeah. ok. So even if I keep working just as hard as I have been all year if it goes down at all they're going to make me quit. OK, yeah, that makes *perfect* sense. I get punished for things that aren't my fault. woohoo. School sucks enough as it is for me because I know I'll never live up to their goddamn standards to begin with, and now I really have something to prove. Why can't I just have work-obsessed apathetic yuppie parents like everybody else at Providence?
but anyway, overall life is good, and for the moment i'm motivated to prove my parents wrong. having my grades actually improve from last quarter would have the bonus of not only getting them off my back about it but I'll feel better for making them eat their words and thinking twice before ever underestimating (or, if you're president 'misunderestimating') me again.

2003-02-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

Clarissa Explains it All. Little brothers piss you
off and your best friend climbs up a ladder...
But of course that's not weird to you because
you're Clarissa Darling

What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Legolas

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-31T17:03:00.000-05:00

Schweet!

It appears things are looking up for our intrepid heroine Cindy Plante! With the rescheduling of music week to after school in May (rather than a week in June) It allows for some interesting (and profitable) opportunities, like possibly a paid internship. Also, I now have a job! I applied at Anzi's Pizza while cruising for computer parts with Jon on one of the snow days, and they called back today asking me to come in. I go in for training tomorrow at 3 and will have an afterschool/weekend job now. YAY ME!!! I also spoke with Lindsey, the human resources person from CPM whom I worked for last summer about getting all my stuff renewed for this coming summer, being sure to mention the possibility of me taking a second job on the side but being able to work more hours & overtime b/c of the not having to lose a week of work for music week now and I'll be 16. As for the possible internship, I'll look into it and get my information in and stuff, but most of the ones available would be full-time (which at $12-14 an hour ain't bad) computer cubicle ish work. But there are a few part time ones probrably, so I dunno. It would look really good on college applications, I'd be making corporate-world use of my 1337 nerd skills, and money talks (LOUDLY) but I really loved the lifeguarding job. So I'll just wait and see if anything happens with that.
3rd quarter seems to be off to a fairly good start, with 2 100's on chem quizzes, an optimistic outlook on Thursday's world history test, actual comprehension of precal stuff (and an 85 on a quiz in there), and good festival music that I don't mind practicing on a regular basis, However, as of late, Theory has been confusing the crap out of me. I shall have to work on this...(and precal but that goes without saying. )
its all good!

2003-01-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

Ewww!!!!!!!!

This girl I sit next to in Spanish class has really big tunnel gauges in her ears, which I always thought was weird though commonplace, so I was just able to overlook it because so many people do it anyway. So today in class she didn't have them in and it was weirding me out sooo bad. Cuz when you gauge it that much it's huge, and when you take the plugs out or whatever, it like collapses in on itself and looks all wrinkly, aside from there being a really huge hole. It made me think of a cat's butt, and that just grossed me out even more. cuz it's like this *big frigging hole* in her ear that you could jam several fingers through, with all the wrinkly collapsing skin around it, and you can still see right through to her neck. *shudder* I know people gague like, everything these days but gah! I mean, at least if you're going to gague it, please leave your tunnel/plug in, cuz otherwise it just looks really really disgusting! So as a result I was completely unable to pay attention in class because I simply could not stop staring.

2003-01-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

I have a theme song
I've decided, that "How Soon Is Now" is my theme song. It's an awesome song and I think it fits. My parents insist that my theme song is "you cant always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. This roots back to when I was 3 years old and routinely pitched random hissyfits in the supermarket because i wanted stuff. First off I hate the Rolling Stones. Second, I really don't think that applies anymore. (that and I truly despise the song in general...or maybe just the rolling stones, but more likely both) "How soon is now" is just schweet though. Either the original old-skool 80's version or the Snake River Conspiracy cover, which I understand is really great live, especially when SRC happens to be touring with A Perfect Circle...Anyway, when done well it's a really powerful song. I think there's really no better way for me to get into this than just posting it. Or better yet, you can all just get on Kazaa and download it.

I am the son, I am the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
and summoner of nothing in particular
oh shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son I am the heir
of a shuness that is criminally vulgar
and summoner of nothing in particular
oh shut your moth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way,
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody
who really loves you
so you go and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home,
and you cry and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen now
exactly when do you mean
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

Oh shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does.

~How Soon is Now
-The Smiths

2003-01-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

Me and my stupid mouth...
Ok, do the Tampa Bay Buccaneers not rock? Are they not nifty? And does Oakland not suck? BOOYAH!
I feel better, about everything I guess. I dunno if its because I went shopping or because the Bucs are winning, maybe both. I just hope everyone (or even one specific person) just completely disreguards everything I've said in the past 4 days and then it'll all be peachy. Seriously. Just pretend I never said it, or, if you can't go that far, just ignore it completely because as we all know, I'm Cindy and I can't just keep my big mouth shut even when the words that come out of it serve to be completely self-defeating. 'Nuff said there.
Ode to soffe shorts
I went in kohls today and got 3 pairs of soffe shorts, cuz they were on sale. 3 for $20, and they're usually about $8 each, (plus the dumb arena tax which we only voted down twice....) Not a bad deal, so i jumped on it. And now I have gray, gold, and carolina blue (shaddap...) soffe shorts (in addition to the aqua, red, orange, and 2 pairs of black that I already had.). I was kinda annoyed that they didn't have green. But oh well, no matter, I'll get green ones next time (in Belk or Dicks, because they're usually $12 in kohls for some reason, and $8 everywhere else) . I love soffe shorts. They're bright colors and they remind me of summer. And in the summer I wear them basically *all the freaking time* because I'm either at work or band camp, which means I'm outside in 95+ heat all the time. They're light knit and elastic waist, so even if you eat too much or have pms you don't ever have to worry about trying to squeeze into 'em. The only *not good* (because there are no *bad* things about soffe shorts) thing about 'em is the lack of pockets for keys/whistles/lipgloss/plot sheets/markers. But this can be easily dealt with. They're also good for just bumming around the house in, or evening walks around the neighborhood, or wearing them over your bathing suit at Carowinds. I have a nifty-looking hawaiian print bikini that I bought on clearance last summer that would look really cute with either my red, orange, or gold soffe shorts. Some (usually old) people seem to have problems with people who walk around Carowinds in just soffe shorts and a bikini top. To some degree I can understand this, because when fat people do it it's really *really* gross. But if you've worked really hard to maintain a decent figure, I think you're entitled to show off a little bit. I think it's mostly though because soffe shorts make me think of summer and band season, which are my favorite two times of the year. And shopping today really made me feel better because while there was still snow on the ground, the sun was out, and all the stores seem to be getting in all the spring clothes now. Kohl's even had swimsuits. This gives me hope. Hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. January is almost over, and February is only 28 days. And then in March *SPRING* starts. Which means warmth and flowers and leaves, and Canada, and leadership tryouts, and prom (though I'm still not sure if I'm going or not), and course registration, and pops concert, and my 16th birthday, and having a job again, and being happy at least until the end of band season again. I really hate the winter. I become a massive emotional train wreck in the winter. This apparently runs in the family or something. But the stores are getting in spring/summer-ish merchandiase, like swimsuits and wonderful, glorious, soffe shorts. And god bless them! .

2003-01-25T23:47:00.000-05:00

blah

2003-01-25T16:37:00.000-05:00

i feel like shit. and my eyeliner is all running down my face. its kinda gothic glam-rockish.but i feel crappy, understandably i guess. i hate being right all the time. i never should have said anything last night. im just a retard like that. i really need to work on keeping my hopes and expectations low and curb my enthusiasm *lol* i need to adopt more of an 'aim low and you wont be disappointed' philosophy. funny, i thought i was just getting back into my normal pessimistic groove again. i suppose its just as well that jon's not around and nobody wants to go do anything tonight because of my runny makeup, i really look like shit now and feel much the same way. managed to keep lunch down, for awhile i was afraid that wasnt going to happen. i really, really felt shitty. i still do. not only about that but because i've been a real bitch to the guy that i know really does like me. and i just feel like shit in every way possible. And jon's at work, and nobody else is around, which is prolly just as well because i don't wanna dump on people (so i'm blogging and dumping on *everyone*) ANd yea, i know, don and matt are reading this and must be thorougly enjoying it. (i *know* matt is, and he's going to tell mike and all his buddies and they can all have a good laugh about 'that stupid whore' ) Cuz me being miserable is just so amusing.
The superbowl is tomorrow. We're all pulling for the bucs. should be a really good game. Jon Gruden's old team (raiders) vs. his current team. good stuff. I still would've rather seen the jets and the giants play but...yeah.

2003-01-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

It snowed. and I got up at 530 like I always do and it was still snowing. Put the news on and found out that we didn't have school (I still had to get up early, the bastards!) and then told mandy and the parents. It made me hyper cuz I was happy, and I didnt think I'd be able to go back to sleep, but as soon as iIcrawled back into bed I was unconscious until about 930 when I went downstairs to grab a bite. Mom offered me some cash to shovel out the driveway which I did. And me and Mandy attempted to build a snowman, but it ended up being just a 3 foot tightly packed snowdrift with twig arms and soda can eyes and a golfball for a mouth. And he has a sword. Thus, we have an uhm....snow ewok? ("damnit it's a HOBBIT! GET IT RIGHT!!!") it was a hobbit to begin with mebbe. but i think it more closely resembles an ewok. With a sword for whatever reason. I'll post a pic soon.
One thing I noticed today about our neighborhood is the only time that so many people are actually outside their houses is when it snows. Really. People never go outside in this neighborhood the rest of the year. it's creepy. But today everyone on the block was out in the snow.
Also, we have off tomorrow because the roads are supposed to only get worse tonight with the black ice. (they wasted no time on that descision, thankfully. I can sleep in tomorrow.) but we're going to hit the arb anyway because my mom has to run some errands and Harris Teeter has a buy-0ne-get-one special on edy's ice cream. (cookie dough...*drools*....)
Not entirely sure what's on tap for the weekend, need to talk to people (ok, more like one specific person...) but I'm down for whatever cuz I've got some cash now. (And I still haven't cleaned the bathroom and crap, so there's prolly, hopefully, more coming. ^_^ )

2003-01-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

me and squeaky helped mr paynes neighbor move today. nifty stuff. and tomorrow there are club pictures, (a lot of them it seems for me at least) and a techconnect meeting till four. Flash (hooray) and domain-ness. hehe. i made up a word. And it's also a b day if we go to school tomorrow (which we probrably will, even though it's supposed to snow tonight. (Looks like our friends at harris teeter have paid off the news stations again! ) Snow is pretty though. and if it gets us out of school, hey, why not. Bring it, I say, but don't mess with us and give us false hope. It would also be nice if CMS would decide the night *before* as to whether or not we'd have school in the morning so we don't all get up at five in the morning and get ready to leave only to find out that we don't have to go to school! (you laugh. i've had this experience many times. grr!)
also, my life is really boring, thus, i have nothing of substance to say besides that.

2003-01-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

been awhile since we've last seen one of these...

1. First Name: Cindy (or Cynthia if you feel like pissing me off.)
2. Last Name: Plante
3. Hair Color: reddish brownish
4. Hair Style: really long, usually in a messy chopstick bun.
5. Eye Color: hazel (green-ish brown. resembles baby dookie)
6. Height: 5'5
7. Location: Matthews
8. Birthday: Jun. 2 1987
9. Zodiac Sign: gemini
10. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: Not really.
11. Do you have a crush?: Yes.

Favorites
1. Favourite Animal: penguins
2. Favourite Sport: curling! no. actually good old fashioned american football.
3. Favourite Colour(s): Black
4. Favourite Song(s)of the Moment: "this bitter pill"~ Dashboard confessional "santa monica" ~Everclear "special"~Garbage
5. Favourite Movie: Moulin Rouge, Almost Famous, Fight Club, The Matrix
6. Favourite Store: Wal-Mart
7. Favourite Feeling: happiness/love
8. Favourite Shoe: saucony sneakers. but not the preppy looking ones. the ones that look like actual sneakers.
9. Favourite Scent: cucumber mellon, apple cinnamon, vanilla
10. Do You Wear Make-Up?: guilty as charged.
11. Which is more important, personality or looks?: personality
12. What kind of personality do you like in a guy/girl?: Doesnt take things too seriously, openminded about music and life, somewhat nerdy with a sensitive side mebbe few people know about.
13. Do you move fast or slow in a relationship?: depends on who the relationship is with
14. What is your idea of the perfect guy/girl?: Blue-green eyes, long-ish blonde-ish hair, into computers, mebbe somewhat of a brooding artist type I guess. Life revolves around music, loves tool, deftones, but likes old-school rock and classical too, most of all, willing to put up with and love me.
(14½. What are the odds you will ever find him/her?: i like to think i will if i havent already.
15. Would you ever ask someone out?: yup.
16. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes: don't really care.

Other Stuff.
1. What is the first thing you notice about someone?: hair, eyes
2. Whens the last time you cried? last night at like 1am, but in a good way.
3. What do you want to be when you grow up?: rich, successful, well-balanced and loved
4. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: not really
5. Do you want children? dunno. heh. i'm too out there.
6. How far have you gotten?: dunno, like, 3rd i think. if i'm remembering the numbering right.
7. Do you like someone right now?: kinda yeah...*blushes*
8. Do they know?: i don't know. if so, eliz davis is gonna die
9. Do you have a best friend?: yup

Within the last 24 hours, have you...
1: Had a serious talk?: yup
2: Hugged someone?: yup : )
3: Gotten along well with your parents?: yup
4: Fought with a friend?: nope

Do you like to..
1: Give hugs?: yes
2: Give back rubs?: yea, and i'm apparently not bad at it.
3: Take walks in the rain?: i love being outside in the rain.
4: You ever have that falling dream?: not really, i'm usually flying.
5: What is on the walls of your room?: christmas lights, pink paint. lot of posters, NYC subway map
6: When you chew gum, what kind do you chew?: don't do the gum thing.
7: Do you use chapstick?: lip smackers strawberry and bath 'n body works berry plum or whatever.

In the last 2 months have/did you..
1. Drink?: yeah
2. Smoke?: Never
3. Drugs?: Never
4. Have Sex?: Never
5. Made Out?: not in a *long* time
6. Go on a date?: Dunno if it really counted as a date or not
7. Go to the movies?: today actually
8. Go to the mall?: Yes.
9. Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: nope.
10. Eaten sushi?: No.
11. Been on stage?: not on stage, but speaking in front of a large group nonetheless
12. Been dumped?: Not that recently
13. Had someone be unfaithful to you?: not really
14. Watched The Smurfs?: nope
15. Hiked a mountain?: No.
16. Made homemade cookies?: mandy has a monopoly on the plante family cookie trade.
17. Been in love?: i was, and i shouldn't have been.

More stuff..
1. Are you popular?: I like to think i am sometimes, but i'm really not.
2. Are you pretty?: you tell me.
3. Do you have your own phone line?: cell
4. What is your favorite word to say?: niftybeans/ unitabular!
5. What is your favorite phrase to say?: your mother.
6. What are you doing right now?: this long-ass survey
7. What song are you listening to?: "this bitter pill"
8. What are you wearing?: grey pink and yellow argyle socks, jeans, black tank top with a red plaid blouse over it, charm bracelet, pink lipstick and black eyeliner. *not* wearing the dolphin ring. .. .

2003-01-20T01:09:00.000-05:00

Tonight has been interesting. Watching the golden globes, im'ing Jon, and trying to get up my nerve. All while listening to a lot of Dashboard Confessional. I really like "this bitter pill" I like the way he sings that song. He just gets real into it. Things seem to be coming together, not just for me but for a lot of people. We're all sloughing off the dead wood and moving on and getting better all the time. And the Bucs are going to the superbowl. And tomorrow I'm going to go see a movie and do the lunch thing with Taylor. Jon and Amanda are going skiing at Winterplace. My parents are prolly going to the mall or looking at carpet samples again (not really sure which) For right now its all good. I can hate and love and feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time again. I'm just sitting here in the glow from my monitor and the pinkish-tint of the multicolored chiristmas lights feeling all the promise there is in everything right now. And tomorrow I'm going to roll out of bed and do another day. Happy Martin Luther King day everybody! woo!

2003-01-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

*mlah*

2003-01-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

i read over my last post and how disjointed the last paragraph was, so i edited it and now it makes sense. but yeah...
yesterday saw catch me if you can with the folks. good movie. really havent been doing much this weekend. i went to the movies and did laundry. woohoo. i apparently didnt miss much at the LAN, so I feel less bad about not going. And i really havent been online much the past few days cuz the few people that i actually want to talk to (or that might actually want to talk to me) are either out of town or have actual lives. heh. i'm gonna find something else to do now...

2003-01-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

*sigh* just one more day. chem and gym. shouldn't be too much of a problem, I heard that the chem wasn't too bad. I did better on the precal than i expected (i actually finished, *barely* like bubbling the last question as the bell rang. which most people in my class didnt.) but i fear that in my overzealous studying of the precal crap, i neglected the world history stuff a bit too much. I hope I'm wrong on this but I think the world history exam kicked my ass and handed it back to me. Just one more day. and then 3 day weekend. Dunno what i'm gonna do with nothing to study for. I'll prolly work on "havendance" some more even though i really don't even have to, and i wanna see The Hours. Also, started reading The Stand (complete and unabridged version of course) again for the 5th time or so. best book ever. 'nuff said. Seems like all my cool people are busy this weekend so I'll do some serious bumming around. Most of the week (not today of course) when i'd finish an exam early i'd whip out the sketchbook and doodle for awhile, and random people keep commenting on my artwork. Got me thinking that i really should start drawing/painting/etc. more. I really havent lately because theres always so much going on, so much crap on my mind all the time. Did some cool stuff in band. I'm thinking now that I have to do something with it besides just the sketch I did, either a collage or painting or whatever. I'll figure something out. I've also been messing around with the old guitar some, finding random super-easy to play tabs, namely "Glycerine" by Bush and Everclear's "Santa Monica". I've always liked that song and didn't really realize how simple the guitar part was until I started trying to play it.
Mom had to go for an emergency root canal this afternoon and still isn't back yet. That must suck. I guess at the very least I wasnt the only person feeling crappy today. So Me and dad and Mandy all went to Applebees for dinner and then went in guitar center to look at some random stuff. They keep saying its going to snow tonight and we might not have school tomorrow. I'm still skeptical. Everyone's pulling the traditional Charlotte run on milk and bread. We have a theory that Harris Teeter, Food Lion, and Bi-Lo are in on a vast conspiracy to encourage the purchase of milk and bread whenever theres even a remote chance that it may snow in Charlotte or anywhere else in NC for that matter. I'm convinced that they're paying off all the tv and radio stations to hype the crap out of any weather forcast that might include weather that, in most of the country, is *typical* when it's JANUARY! Then again, maybe I'm just a jaded northerner...
Aside from the more mundane elements in life, i think my overall emotional outlook is improving at the very least. Still having ups'n'downs, but not quite as severe (report cards will change this...) I've decided I shouldn't (and don't) care if he doesn't and never did in the first place. I was being used and apparently everybody realized this but me, but oh well. D'oh. Shit happens. I don't need it. In my own weird way I just keep scratching at my emotional wounds repeatedly, bloodletting, and when everything finally heals for good the figurative scar tissue that's there prevents me from feeling like that again. Numbness. The logical side of my brain has triumphed once again. I think I'm finally over this whole thing. All the screwiness and headfuckery. I just don't care anymore. I still care about him and all that but yeeahhh.... I will admit that as of late I have developed somewhat of an attraction for someone completely different. Yeah. dunno what, if anything is going to happen with that. I chose to remain optimistic. The only frustrating thing is that the aforementioned intrest is not the same guy that apparently has a crush on me, which could lead to a sticky situation considering that i still consider him a friend and all...*mlah* not using any names gets confusing. so you can all stay out of my love life and for the love of god *quit asking me if i'm getting back together with you-know-who* Especially you, Squeaky!

2003-01-15T15:18:00.000-05:00

exams are...examerific? examtastic? neither one seems to work even in a sarcastic sense. oh well, here we are halfway through exams. 4 down 4 to go. woo hoo. and i just realized in the car this morning that its' a 3 day weekend. heh. how'd i let that one slip by me? so yeah, 3 days off instead of the usual two. rock on! so yeah, tomorrow's the dreaded precal exam and the world history exam. (anyone taken Dickerson's exam yet? is it as hard as i'm hoping it's not?) did pretty decent in band. did my scales (93) and then slept until we read the festival crap. I'm 8th for festival, but will prolly challenge at least once. i dunno. i'm just happy i'm not last anymore. pretty sure i raped the english exam. dunno about theory and spanish. still, i'm totally not looking forward to report cards at the end of the month. We should so totally get honors credit for taking theory. it's a fun class but it's hard as balls!
and on another subject entirely, since when did Belgium have paratroopers? Why? (" to protect the waffles." ) anyway, the official Belgian paratrooper march might end up being our march for festival. this could get interesting...(why oh why can't we just play The Klaxxon again...heh. I always thought 'klaxxon' sounded like some sort of alien that might appear on an episode of Star Trek...)
so other than that theres really nothing going on.

2003-01-13T20:00:00.000-05:00

perhaps i've been hitting the theory notes a bit too hard....(see below)

2003-01-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

I just had one of these random revelations on connectivity of everything in the universe.
I'm reading over all my theory notes from the semester and taking notes on the notes to study
before the exam tomorrow morning and I just had this wonderful profound thought about the
signifigance of the number 5 and how, 5, is really all its about. In music, one of the first
if not the first interval we learned was a perfect fifth, and that it was one of the only
intervals the church would allow in church music because it was a 5th, and they thought
thirds and 6ths were evil and whatnot. And how all the major key signatures are essentially
based on the circle of fifths. Also, coincidentally (although somewhat irrelevant, i know) THe band A PErfect
Circle has 5 members! ANd probrably a lot of the more important things said by pythagoras
and all those other old greek and roman guys we studied probrably had something to do with
fifths. And then for some reason I started thinking of religion, and how, in wicca, there's
the pentagram, the symbol of the five elements, and random little biblical crap that came to
mind which i forgot since i started writing this all down. And i started thinking about how,
i guess if you really thought about it you could connect everything in the world to the number
five somehow, and how insane and powerful and deep that really is. Because i started thinking
about the quote i have above this blog, about how all matter vibrates, and theoretically could
be considered music, and the number 5 seems to be such a big part of that. Holy crap!

2003-01-13T18:32:00.000-05:00

Been listening to Billie Holiday, which if you don't know, is like, really really old stuff from like the '40's and '50's. My vast mp3 collection actually includes a great deal of it. For reasons unknown to me it reminds me of early summer. When I'll just be chilling in my room with the windows open and a gentle breeze blowing over me as I lounge around drawing or whatever. Even some of the really depressing tracks are somehow relaxing. Ok that was the quasi-deep part of my blog for today.
Today seemed like a pretty pointless day, but thankfully, it's the last day I'll ever have to take PE, ever. Theory and Spanish exams tomorrow. (oh i'm so looking forward to both...not!) but at least we get out of school at 12:30 or whatever, so it's not all bad. Lan on friday. that should be neat. very little else going on.

2003-01-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

*mlah* A pretty good, semi-productive weekend. I went out yesterday morning with mum and got all the stuff that i needed to get, including several colors of embroidery thread, some pens, spiral notebooks, and those little plastic Command hooks that you can put up on the wall and take them down without damaging the paint. I used these to put my christmas lights back up in my room, which looks very nifty. ^_^ I'm kind of annoyed at my camera/computer at the moment because for whatever reason the two just don't seem to be playing nice these days. My computer simply refuses to recognize any files on compact flash cards, whether I'm connecting the camera to the usb or just putting the card in my card reader, it simply won't let me download pictures. grr. I'll have to have my dad mess with it. THe parents went to the supermarket, so they'll get home and I'll clip the newspaper coupons.
Me and mandy stayed up till about three last night chilling in my room messing around with guitars. Since my parents had to move all the stuff out of their room all dad's guitars got stuck in mandy's room for the moment, and she's loving it cuz she can have her own guitar in standard tuning, dad's in drop d, plus the good acoustic to play with, so she doesn't have to retune everything constantly. And I just have the old ghetto-ish accoustic in my room. So last night she was trying to play "stairway to heaven" (which she did quite well in my opinion considering she was just sightreading a tab.) and I was trying to decipher "3 libras", which I'm happy to say that I can now play the intro to pretty well (better than last night anyway.) So we managed to keep ourselves amused for quite awhile at weird hours without waking up the parents. and i still managed to get up at 10 or so and still be functioning. I'm weird that way. But I feel guilty because i ended up spending most of yesterday shopping, cleaning my room, and playing the guitar, so I really didnt get much studying done, and I really should have been working on "Havendance" some more for the audition tomorrow. Still, i'm not too terribly worried about that one, it's just that I feel guilty for neglecting it yesterday, so i'll have to work it some today. I also wanna do some hardcore studying of theory material, because even though my grade is pretty decent, I want to ensure an A (or at least a high B) on the exam. Precal is....well....god I HATE MATH!!!!!!!!!!!
as much as I'd love to continue this I think my parental units have returned, so I'm gonna go help unload groceries and such. i'll be back.

2003-01-09T19:53:00.000-05:00

Been a good week so far considering that the week iteslf is sandwiched in between holiday break and exams. (is it me or does it seem like we should have exams *before* christmas break? oh wait, no, that would make far too much sense...) But anyway yeah. Pretty good all in all except for precal...*mlah* Planning some major updates/overhauls on all of my websites, including this one (just gonna tweak some things. ..) House still in the process of being ripped up, but that can't be helped. No weekend plans as of yet but that may change. Got a new charm for my charm bracelet today. it's this really neat lace/snowflake/celtic knot-ish looking thing. Late christmas present that finally arrived in the mail (merry 3 days after epiphany?) and i also got a sweater which doesn't fit, and an oldnavy giftcard. ^_^ I feel all special for some reason. Hmm...there was something else i wanted to say and i forgot it...grr. I wonder, can one use oxi-clean to clean badly-tarnished silver or was that some other cleaning product? If indeed, it is oxi-clean i'll have to try this. For some reason we're experiencing yet another cable outage, as is most of our neighborhood. Not good. oh well. tomorrow's friday. w007!

2003-01-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

party at noah's last night was cool. He and Jenny are now a couple (awwww!) and i've been bumming around all day today, not wanting to go back to school tomorrow. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't an a day but it is, and that just makes it so much worse. The other night I was up late and decided to go downstairs and start my laundry at 1am or so, and I didnt turn on the lights. So I get downstairs to the little hallway between the bathroom and the laundry area and slip and fall on my ass on the gigantic puddle of water that has leaked from the toilet that the plumber just fixed the day before. So I'm buried in laundry and my butt is wet. So I put down my laundry and had to go wake up my parents at 1 am to tell them that there was another flood. Needless to say they were not happy. So yeah. THe plumber is supposed to come back tomorrow to look at the toilets again, and the guys are supposedly coming on tuesday to rip up what's left of the downstairs ceiling. And we have to go back to school. blah.
on another note entirely, why do people have to mess with eachothers head's so much?

2003-01-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

Party last night at Jon's was awesome. It ended up being me, Jon, Squeaky, Munkee, Brad, and Sarah and Eliz, though briefly. (they left after about a half hour or so, after Brad called Eliz a cheap whore and she threw M&M's all over the rec room. I don't like to admit it, but I felt kind of releived when they called Shooter to come get them. There was this weird tension that was there that didn't use to be.) So after they left we all watched fight club. Before midnight Jon came up with the notion of him jumping in the pool in his pajamas if we gave him five bucks. I was gonna give him gas money anyway, so he jumped in the pool in his pajamas right before midnight. And I took pictures (which I hope to have posted soon). He and Brad then proceeded to set random things on fire in the little outdoor fireplace thing on the deck, which was mildly amusing. (took pics of that as well). And a certain nameless party guest made mine and Munkees' day by admitting that a much-anticipated hookup between two of our single friends will probrably take place by this weekend. (IT'S ABOUT TIME GUYS!!!) And then we went inside and watched the ball drop with his mom and took pictures of us all on the couch.
I observed that new years eve is quite possibly the weirdest holiday when you think about it. I mean how many other holidays can you think of that are commemorated by balls dropping?
So after this we set up Jon's new kickass stereo on the doorstep and blasted Linkin' Park while throwing a football around in the rain (this was after Squeaky and Monkey left.)with the big floodlights on (they thought it would be amusing to get as much attention from the neighbors as possible.) It was pretty fun, but we have short attention spans, so after this got old they gave me a ride home and I hung around with the family some before going to bed.
I was thinking as we were running around in the rain that 2003 is going to be a good year, hopefully better than the last. Just had a random bout of optimism I guess. Don't get me wrong, 2002 was an awesome year right up until about the end of october, where it became a downhill slide pretty quick, for me at least. Even considering, this summer rocked all, band season was pretty awesome too, I thought. All in all I think it was the best year I've had in quite awhile. (till late October for reasons I think I'll spare you any unnecessary elaboration, and then Christmas where, yeah, my house kinda got semi-destroyed, cancelling my much-needed vacation.) but the sring and especially the summer and early fall absolutely rocked in every way possible. I hope that in '03 the whole year's like that, as unlikely as that is. (for one primary reason)
So I woke up late this morning having difficulty breathing and needing to shower, so I did, and as I'm opening the damn bottle of shampoo this gigantic glob of it somehow flies right up into my (open) right eye, causing it to be burning/irritated and bloodshot-looking all day. (but I bet my eyelashes smell vanilla-y) so yeah. After that i just sat around and watched the rosebowl parade and the gatorbowl (I dunno about you, but I saw an awful lot of Irish arse being kicked by the wolfpack.)

2002-12-28T01:18:00.000-05:00

so we're still here. in charlotte. to recap:
ok, we went to see LotR on christmas day, and we came home, and almost all the carpet on the first floor of the house is soaked for some bizzare reason. We turn the lights on and water is dripping from the ceiling and we're all like 'oh shit. merry christmas." and then the ceiling collapses

So today, dude came to rip up the floors and everything and put in blowers for the weekend to dry the place out and prevent mildew. Theres like 8 of these huge fans and a big industrial dehumidifier running at full speed in my house right now and it sounds like a fricking airstrip in my house, so they're on crack if they think i'm gonna sleep tonight. But wait, dear readers, it gets better. The fact that so much flooring and ceiling needs to be replaced forced us to move all of the furniture from that side of the house into the other side of the house, where it simultaneously occupies space with the furniture that was already there, thus making it difficult (*impossible*) to move around without tripping over a sofa/table/chair/drawer/jet engine (er, I mean blower). Nevertheless, we're determined to derive some productivity out of this. My parents are using it as an excuse to repaint a bunch of rooms and get all new flooring and clean the house. I'm attempting to use the time I'm held prisoner in my house ('cuz Jon went to the beach this weekend. Lucky SOB!) to get things done as well. My sweater is almost finished, I've worked on audition music, done some stuff on the 302 site (though I haven't put anything up yet cuz I'm gonna wait and run it by all of you guys first.) and today I cleaned out all the cabinets in the bathroom, making them ever so much more accessible to everyone that should happen to need bath and body works crap, towels, nail polish, or various feminine hygene products. It's amazing the stuff you find in your house when a massive disaster forces you to clean. Sunscreen that expired in the early 90's ('92 to be exact....aah, a good year!) grows mold. Who knew? I filled up an entire garbage bag full of old useless crap that was in our bathroom. I feel so accomplished!

2002-12-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

wow. another red-letter christmas in the Plante house. I got some new clothes, some cash, the collectors edition Moulin Rouge DVD, and a silver charm bracelet. And tomorrow we were gonna leave for NY.

So we all went out to see LotR this afternoon and we returned to find most of the downstairs of the house soaking wet from an undiscernable source. So then i went in the living room to put the christmas lights up, as mom wanted me to put them away before we left, and i take one step on the carpet and it goes 'squish' and i turn on the light to see a sopping-wet christmas tree and a wet, dripping ceiling. So we proceeded to take all the ornaments off the tree in short order as dad went out to cut off the water. And then it started dripping more and we told mom to come help us move the furniture before the ceiling came down, which it did as soon as we moved out the chairs and coffe table. So now the carpets are all soggy and it's only a matter of time before they start to reek, and we cant go to NY tomorrow, which is the real kicker because thats the one thing I've been looking forward to for the past 6 months or so. ANd I can't help but feel like it's my fault because I was the one that wanted to see LotR (again) in the first place, and I know that the next time I get into an argument with my mom and she feels the need to guilt trip me over something irrelevant, it will be this.
So as of right now we're not going to NY, our living room has no ceiling, the carpets are totaled, and my beliefs that christmas sucks and there is no god have just been affirmed. Oh well, I suppose it could always be worse. I might have no sense of humor and have no way to somehow make light of the situation and piss people off (not only am I using my sense of humor to attempt to make it not so bad for some ppl, the fact that the rest are pissed at me diverts their attention from the shitty situation at hand; they're at least temporarily concerned with thoughts of strangling Cindy rather than gloom and dispair. See? I do have a purpose in life, and might even be helpful to have around in a catastrophic emergency!)At least there were no car accidents or health-related problems this time, we still got presents, we have yet to kill eachother, the house is stil inhabitable and my computer is still intact (so Drew, if you're reading this, it looks like I might be able to make that LAN party after all.). I think this Christmas blows considerably more than last year because this time we had our hopes up only to have them quenched by another disaster. But next Christmas I think my money's on a fire.
But in any event don't let me hear you whine about how your christmas/ramadan/kwanzaa/festivus/whatever other holidays are going on right about now sucked because you didnt get whatever present you wanted, or you didnt win the powerball jackpot, or you had to put up with your whiny little cousin/brother/great-aunt for two weeks. I seriously dont wanna hear it because again I can legitimately say that our family had a way worse christmas than yours *sticks out toungue* (barring of course someone died or is seriously injured, in which case you have my condolances.)

On a lighter note, however "merry christmas to all, and a nifty new year!"
No animals were harmed in the making of this Christmas....this time.

2002-12-24T22:19:00.000-05:00

NEW PAGE LINK

2002-12-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

argh. well the site is up and functioning, though the stupid ftp thingy on worldnet won't peacefully coexist with the ftp thingy on blogger because of some security crap, so I was forced to move this lovely blog frame over to blogspot and put up with the stupid ad on top. grr. oh well. could be worse. it's Christmas eve, I suppose I can't get too pissed. That and we leave for NY soon. "and there was much rejoicing" and I'm almost all packed. w007.

2002-12-24T15:09:00.000-05:00

merrry christmas eve

2002-12-24T14:54:00.000-05:00

moving again. New address, new layout, new everything...kinda.

http://home.att.net/~cindy.plante

As of 12.31.02, nelie.org (my current server) is dead. so this is the new (hopefully permanent) home of the blog, with all new graphics to commemorate the occasion.

2002-12-22T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

2002-12-22T02:04:00.000-05:00

wow, busy weekend thusfar. all went well with the party friday night, and barring any unforseen computer issues i hope to have pics up soon. today i got up and showered put in my laundry, then immediately got dressed, ate an orange and some leftover pizza, and went to the noon showing of Gangs of New York @ regal with my family. All of the events preceeding this took place in a span of about 20 minutes. I don't think I've ever hauled so much ass on a Saturday, voluntarilly before, like, ever.

So anyway, Gangs of New York was nothing if not really really long. In all seriousness, it could've easily been about an hour shorter. It also included a lot of blood, guts, and topless women. (the latter, I, being a heterosexual female, could care less about.) So anyway it was very violent, but in a historical kind of way. It was basically about the opression of (primarily Irish) immigrants in NY in the mid 1800's and the draft riots in the city during the civil war. And I just had a thought that I could easily write yet another bs essay for english comparing and contrasting it to Victor Hugo novels by just basically writing a few pages (double spaced courier 12, Peter! ) about 'the theme of class struggles as it relates to the three works" or something else pseudo-intelligent sounding like that. Good lord that was random! Anyway, the dude from Moulin Rouge was in it as well, the guy that played Harold. (his name escapes me at the moment) He was the mayor or some other random high-powered elected official i beleive. While it was a good movie, and the cinematography was awesome (some of the shots were breathtaking), I wasnt too impressed, probrably because it was simply too fricking long. Another random thought, had the movie been "gangs-of-any-major-city-but-new-york" me and my mom probrably would've been considerably less-interested in the first place.

So then immediately after that was over i got back in the car with the parents (and mandy) and they dropped me off at the arb in front of wal-mart, because i had to pick up a new thingy of pressed powder, considering that i realized i was completely out when i put on makeup this morning. So i did that, and lemme tell you in wal-mart 4 days before CHristmas, it's every man for himself. It's a fricking war zone. So after managing to complete this mission i wandered around the arb for a few minutes wondering what to do with my hair, and deciding to leave it down because it was cold out. So then I headed over to the movie theater and Don was already waiting for me out front, and had gotten tickets already, which i admitted, kind of surprised me, because considering a discussion had the preceeding evening, i was expecting him to not bother showing up just to prove a point, so i was all ready to call Jon and ask if he had any desire to see LotR as a spur of the moment outing.
But no, Don was there, so we went and saw LotR: the two towers , which in my opinion kicked the ass of fellowship of the ring because to be honest i kind of thought that one sucked. I just have a problem with such a long, repetitive 'quest' type plots in any kind of literature. (cases in point: the hobbit, fellowship of the ring, the odyssey, etc.) But in this case i was pleasantly surprised. two towers was indeed, "off the hook". Gollum was so nifty. And the ents were badass as well. Overall the movie had a lot more going on plot-wise than it's predecessor. However, I will not elaborate on this any further as I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone who has been living under a rock and not seen it yet. I will say though, that if you haven't seen it, or if you saw the fellowship of the ring and thought it blew (as was the case with me) I highly reccommend it.
So after this we bummed around the arb some and ate dinner at Avanti (which was packed to the rafters with wal-mart refugees) and i choose not to elaborate any furter on this other than to say that while waiting for our ride we ran into Neidich, Jared, and Will (Everyone working but Neidich, who was there to see Analyze That...hehe. "VT threw me off a roof!"....I just get a feeling Neidich will really appreciate that for some reason ^_^ ) and Don proceeded to play fake DDR while I briefly talked to Jared.
Then I got back to my house in time to watch Iron Chef with Mom and Mandy (who had, for whatever reason, chosen to speak with a fake British accent all evening. Methinks someone's been watching The Osbournes too much...) while folding some of the aforementioned laundry. They were making gourmet foods-that-resemble-puke with ox tail, which is in fact, the meat from an ox's actual tail. Ironically enough, many of these recepies also included ......
foie gras!!!!!!!!
(why tonight? any night but tonight. foie gras...*bangs head against wall*) ok all better. and the commentator dude made some comment about a recipie that also included cow tounge (i'm sorry but does this not sound completely disgusting?) and it was something along the lines of "this man truly appreciates both toungue and tail"
my mom started going into fits again. When she starts laughing so hard she starts having trouble breathing. which is actually kind of funny to watch. hehe. my mom and her dirty mind. it's probrably just one of those random things in Japanese that doesn't translate exactly. From this we segued (is that a word, i hope so.) into "your ass is happy" and "i have a huge rod.....ent problem" and gave up entirely on trying to truly appreciate the intense battle for mastery of French-anese cuisine. after this Mandy and I retreated to my room to watch adult swim/mad tv for awhile. and i took advantage of my strange energy at odd hours & short attention span by attempting to clean my room. (the short attention span plays a role because i started out packing my suitcase for NY. which i *did* actually manage to get done.) and several random portions of my room do look considerably neater. and i'm f'king wired for no real reason, and it's two in the f'king morning. wow.
ANd i just read over parts of this, some of it sounds kind of like an english paper. perhaps i've been writing a few too many of those as of late...

THANK GOD IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK

2002-12-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

still working on the pics, making some headway. i'll get them up during break prolly. concert went ok. I was reading mandy's blog and it inspired me to blog (and yes, blog is a verb.) but her life is just so much more interesting than mine. or maybe not. heh. I"m also in the process of revamping my supbprofile. heh. it needed some actual content. so today i got up and i went to school, and it was b day. so we watched Les Miserables in English for class since Vaden is out all week, and we're going to have to prolly write an essay comparing it to Hunchback of Notre Dame. The fundamental differeces that i notice in the two works immediately are that Les Miserables is a movie starring Claire Daines and this really hot british guy (Maurius is soooo dreamy....*swoon*) and the Hunchback of Notre Dame was a long, drawn out, sucky book that i only read about half of before skimming the cliffs notes and basically pulling a 10 page BS essay out my ass. Both are written by Victor Hugo, a dead French novelist who was apparently commenting on french society in both novels. In both cases I am able to come up with intelligent-sounding BS literary analysis of the work and generally not only appear to actually care, but sound smart while doing this. So I was sitting in the back of class with all the other girls i sit near commenting on the hot british dude playing the law student/revolutionary Maurius, and how completely unrealistic it is that after staring at Cosette (Claire Daines) for about 20 seconds, he's suddenly deeply in love with her. Gimme a frigging break.
So after that i went to gym and did esentially nothing. after about 15 minutes of attempting to play voleyball, i gave up and walked laps around the gym and talked to Taylor about our frustrating failed relationships and annoyances about life in general. He's a cool guy. Band we passed up music and listened to the performance tape. and then we just kind of lounged around the band room while ppl watched the Charlie Brown CHristmas special. Noah decided that me and him are like Jon's parents. We're always reminding him to do stuff and helping him do random things like pick out clothes in the mall or put on a tie. heh. I dont know what brought him to this revelation. The funny thing is, if we're the parental figures, why does he drive us everywhere? are we senile or something? And i'm still playing around with the idea of trying out for western regionals....i know all the scales pretty well, even the 11-12 requirements, so that's not really a problem, but the 11-12 solo is supposedly the hardest peice there is. And with exams and festival reseating and all that other fun stuff i honestly dont' know if i'll have the time to work on anything extra. so i'm still not sure.
Lunch we all sat around on the band bench like always. Chem we got the worksheets and attempted to do the 2nd one even though none of us really understood it, and our sub for the week is kind of...special. So me and Amanda kind of sat there and tried to decipher the assignment, occasionally getting into arguments about how to do the damn dot diagrams for polyatomic compounds.
So after that we left, and i got my stuff out of the band room and went to jon's car. He and Eliz were already there so we got in, and we were going to go to the mall after we dropped eliz off. So it ended up being me Jon and Don in the car driving down to pineville. Jon missed the mall exit on 485 and had to get on South blvd. and we were waiting for like 10 minutes at the damn stupid slow crowded intersection of South and 51 (the one where traffic is perpetually at a standstill) and he just cuts the engine off. When the light dropped, however, it wouldn't start. After several attempts he looks at us and goes "Don, get out we're pushing." "you've gotta be fucking kidding..." "does it look like i'm kidding? Cindy you're tiny, put it in neutral and steer it into the nearest parking lot." So i did. and we spent the next several minutes standing around in the parking lot of a furniture store with the hood up and the trunk open, Jon on the phone with his dad glaring angrily at the engine, me sifting throught the glove compartment finding several of my long-lost cd's that he borrowed and destroyed "My deftones CD!!!! dude, you fucker! you owe me a new Blink CD!" (holding up Enema of the State which is broken in half) And Don just kind of standing there. ("nobody will try to carjack us because i have blue hair") And i'm trying to occupy myself to avoid thinking about the unavoidable. Anyway after a few uneasy minutes (and kicking the car a few times) it started and we returned home in short order. Maybe it was just because of the thing with the car, but i was getting a weird vibe, and the ride home was awkwardly silent except for "adam's song" playing on the radio, where the ride down to Pineville consisted of the radio being on and Don awkwardly not shutting up for more than 5 seconds at a time. Overall it seemed like even though i was in the car he was avoiding any actual conversation as much as possible. but maybe that's just me. i just maybe expected someting i guess. or maybe not. i don't know anymore. i just felt kind of inexplicably crappy as i was in the car with jon on the way back to my house. As we were getting to the corner of our street manda's school bus was right in front of us, so i got out at the corner and walked down to the house with her. When i got in i did a bunch of the crap that mom had been nagging me (and her) to do, and felt somewhat accomplished. and then we ate dinner. And that is how i came to be sitting here blogging, and about to start crying because for some reason "cathedrals" by jump little children always makes me cry.
when i really should probrably be typing my english paper, even though it isnt due until friday. And tomorrow i'll go and i'l take (and prolly flunk) the precal test, and take (and get a 100 on ) the world history test. and then get together with my world history presentation group people, and when i get home i'll frost the cake i made for the party on friday, and i'm still not sure if don's going to come or not. though i'm figuring not. mebbe i'll invite taylor if he's not doing anything. i don't know. whatever. blah.

2002-12-15T01:26:00.000-05:00

i feel like crap. except for the 30 that were on the other card, most of the pics from tonight got deleted. I set them all up to download into photoshop and save as i edit like i always do. Ghettocomp2 didnt feel like cooperating, and crashed before i had a chance to save anything. well over 50 pics (the good ones) were lost. but never fear, i think i have a way to fix this, but it'll be awhile. the remaining 30 something are all edited though and should be up soon, just not as early as previously planned. i'll need a box of poptarts, winzip, a 2(or 3)liter bottle of coke, and a card reader from someone (one that will read compact flash) but if i do manage to somehow fix this it will take awhile. the surviving pics will be uploaded asap. blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

2002-12-12T16:21:00.000-05:00

i didnt have to stay after for anything today and it was b day, so i'm home being idle,basically. which is really not a good thing. blah. i'm thinking of the same stupid thing again and i really need to fucking stop it. i should have done swim or track team or something. ( cuz yeah, getting a job would just be waaaaaay too easy.)schoolwork just isnt enough anymore. if it was still band season i'd be able to deal because i'd still have to go exhaust myself at practice and then do homework, and by the time i'd go to bed i'd be completely exhausted and i'd just fall into a deep dreamless sleep and not have to think about this anymore. ARGH!!!
on the up, though, i got a 94 on the chem test, and with the extra credit it's 101. schweetness. i think i did pretty well on the theory
test, but wont know until tomorrow, and as for spanish, i really dont'
know.(stem changing verbs in the preterite can kiss my ass) precal is,
well, precal ( i'll save the story about herdt's 'airplane' for another
time) and then there's an open book, open note world history test tomorow which i'm not particularly worried about for obvious reasons.
I know tomorrow i'll be fine because it's a day and i've got so much crap to do in school, and then staying after till sometime after 6 to help haul 50lb boxes of citrus. I wanna be on the truck again this year. heh. its gonna be fun. and i'm going to go home exhausted and eat some pizza and sleep. or maybe i'll go hang out with ppl and then go home and sleep. and then saturday i'll get up and bake some kind of foodstuffs for the band party, and then i'll go to school to help move the 50lb boxes around again, and i'll go to the party, and then come home and, you guessed it, sleep. mebbe i'll find some time to completely overhaul this website again.

2002-12-10T17:53:00.000-05:00

today was a good day. even if i did have to get up early. I picked my topic for the speech i have to write in english (stem cell research) and just printed off a bunch of articles on that for my research and stuff, i got a bunch more research done for the world history project, got both the chem test and the playing test out of the way (94 on the playing test. (even if i did screw up E major) booyah!) and we have a really massive chem assignment which isnt due until after christmas break, but in my boredom i actually did most of the reading during the ice storm-induced time off. There was also a techconnect meeting which i somehow managed to forget about, but i was there and i got everything done that i needed to, so it's all good. and tomorrow is the history club service project thingy, and i'm staying after for the band video thing. and i also have a spanish test and a test in theory, both of which i need to study for.
i'm happy to report that i moved most of my 8 gigs of mp3's over to El Biftec, all i have to do now is set up all the isp crap and it'll be exactly where i want it. ooh! and i got christmas money. and my passport, which has my ugly mug on it. heh. i look really creepy in my passport picture. it's like those pics of eliz's dog, athena, where the light hits her eyes just right and they're this bright glow-y green with red in the middle. Thats what i look like on my passport, it's creepy looking. and my hair is kind of sticking up. heh. and right next to me theres a holographic picture of some dead president (it's unclear which one, the guy from the $20 mebbe)
i'm in a good mood. hooray. (lets see how long this lasts)

2002-12-09T14:06:00.000-05:00

I need to stop doing this to myself. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I've had it. I'd be so much more productive if I could just kill off the emotional part of my brain. All of this shit is trivial, and I know that and I still can't just let go. I need to just get the hell over it, because I'm just a stupid kid like everyone says, and none of this matters because I am chickenshit. Now is when I should be validating my existence by getting good grades, because lets face it, that's all I'm really good for. And I'm not even doing that. I really should be but I'm distracted by other, more foolish pursuits. I usually don't like the idea of being put on medication or whatever, and my parents didn't beleive in it, but at this point I'm beginning to think maybe I should be. Not feeling would be nice right about now, and I'd get so much more accomplished. It would be so convenient. I wouldn't ever be too bouncy and annoy people, I'd never get frustrated, I'd never fall in love (which would've prevented most of the other problems in the first place), I'd never get depressed ( which would help because I'm Cindy and I'm not allowed; I'm supposed to be cute and happy and bouncy and stable and provide perpetual entertainment for everyone else. If I am ever for any reason not able to do this people get all down on me for being whiny, as they will undoubtedly do after reading this entry. ) I'd be able to just sit there and do nothing but work most of the time. Which is what I really, really should be doing anyway. Because the closest I'll ever get to that is just keeping a packed schedule and never leaving myself any time to just sit and think about shit besides school, and the school closings due to the damn ice storm have not allowed me to do that. Also, have I mentioned that I hate the holidays? (I'm sure I must have somewhere.)
On the upside however, I did manage to finish my christmas shopping today.
wow i feel a lot better.
rants are fun.

2002-12-09T09:39:00.000-05:00

blah. at least the phone is working again. we still dont have cable and that i can deal with but no internet *and* no cable is ridiculous. So we dont have school today once again. i really dont care either way. Last night i typed up 4 pages of notes on Ming and Qing dynasty China for our world history group presentation thingy. Somebody called here around 8:30 on the house # and beeped in, and then hung up. I have a feeling that the call was for me and i think i know who it was, and i should have just picked up. but no, that woudl make far too much sense. my parents just dont realize that only losers leave messages on an answering machine. it makes you look desprate. so rather than make a call simply on speculation i put the cell on even though i realized it was probrably too late. and then i tried to get online because there were a few pepole i really *really* wanted to talk to before going to bed and i realize, hmm, for some odd reason, all the phones in the house are dead. and it made me want to bang my head against the wall. So by this point it was useless to even try to sleep and i kind of knew that. But I got in bed anyway and stared at the ceiling until 7 this morning when i got up to go to the bathroom. I just needed to talk to some people and without that my day lacked closure and i couldnt sleep. so i effectively wasted a perfectly good day off where i could've slept in (if i could've slept at all)

2002-12-08T11:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was kind of weird. I just didn't feel like I was really here for most of it. Still no cable all day, so we went out and saw Analyze That which aside from being a good movie was kind of funny in that the mob boss dude's name was Vitti, which was pronounced like VT, so people kept saying things like "Vitti threw me off a roof!" and I had a hard time keeping a straight face for the rest of the movie because I just had this mental image of VT throwing someone (mebbe Elliott, who still has my socks!!!!!) off the roof of a tall building. Anyway after that we went to Dean & Deluca (land of the $5 rice krispy treat....) in search of another jar of Fox's U-bet (this nifty-ass chocolate syrup stuff...hey I just made up a new phrase! Nifty-ass! I like it! ) , which we usually have a hard time finding around here. But they didnt' have it, so we just wandered around in the Philips Place Dean & Deluca for awhile. They have some weird and overpriced shit in that place. Like they had these big ugly fish at the seafood counter. (talk about the Portugese Uglyfish....) I mean I looked at this thing and it was so ugly I just stood there and stared at it for like 5 minutes going "people *EAT* this???" And then me and Mandy were trying to see what stupidly overpriced items we could find. THere were these really tiny chocolate truffles that were $2 each. I saw a box of pop-tarts that was $6, and the aforementioned uglyfish was $100-something. Mom got in line to buy something and the lady in front of her was buying a basket of these freaky looking fruits/vegetables. THe lady behind the counter didn't even know what they were. She was like "I haven't a clue what they are but we get new weird mutant fruit in every week." I felt kind of out of place, and a few times like I was going to fall over or something. I guess I just felt like if I slipped up we'd all be exposed as non-rich people. THen again, the fact that I was wearing my PHS sweatshirt I think made it easy for me to blend in, hehe. I think it would be funny to go there one day dressed in expensive-looking clothes and talk with a fake British accent and make a big stink about them not having some fictional expensive-sounding product.
When we got home we ate dinner and then watched Vanilla Sky which was really trippy and like, the first part was kind of confusing, until the end when everything is explained, and it had a lot of really good "universal quotes" as my english teacher would put it, much like Fight Club, only trippier. I really enjoyed it. And then we watched It's a Wonderful Life again on tv. (we had to hook up the antenna because we still didn't have cable.) It really is one of the sappiest movies ever, but it's an institution. It's like, I can watch that movie and kind of see some of the random ppl I know. It's weird. I went to bed late last night after IM-ing some people for awhile, voicing some of my frustrations with stuff, etc. ANd then I went to bed around 12:30-1 mebbe, and had a weird dream. Not surreal, just weird, like 'what???" this reminds me i really should put a link to the dream blog up here. i'll put it on there since i havent updated in awhile. eh, i'll get to it.

Right now I'm listening to WSOU, even though on Sunday mornings they broadcast a mass. I haven't been to church in ages, mostly because church in Charlotte is not the same as church in NJ, and that's what i'm listening to right now, a Catholic mass somewhere in South Orange, NJ, and it's the old-fashioned gothic-ish mass that I remember from when I was little with all the chanting and singing and stuff. I don't know why but I like have a problem with the music in the church we went to here. It's just too damn happy. Church music is supposed to be dark and mysterious and stuff, and church should be dark and have candles and incense. I'd probrably go to church here a lot more often if it was like that. When we're visiting grandma I have no problem with going to church because we go to the same church up the street, where my parents got married and everything. And it's old and gothic looking and theres a lot of cool-looking stained glass and candles and incense. (also a lot of old people with NY accents.)
But yeah. Right now I'm sitting here listening to mass, and I almost wish Manda would light some incense, cuz then I could just close my eyes and imagine that I'm sitting in St. Anselm's in Brooklyn, or Our Lady of Peace in NJ. I just loaded WSOU cuz I was thinking about how much I'm looking forward to going up there in a few weeks.

Each passing moment is a chance to turn it all around.

2002-12-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

Which HP Kid Are You?

Just woke up. Dad went out for tennis and is gonna bring home chinese for lunch. Niftyness. Very little going on. We still don't have cable so yesterday we just basically watched DVD's all day. Watched Austin Powers last night with the family, including all the deleted scenes. It was niftyness. (f-r-i-c-k-i-n' i-d-i-o-t ) I watched Spinal Tap and Its a Wonderfu Life up in my room while working on the new computer. I installed the cd burner and got the sound working and everything, and I was watching Spirit: Stalion of the Cimmaron on my computer for a bit to test out the dvd player. Installing the burner was no easy task. The case is frustratingly tiny and the power supply wires didnt reach all of the bays. So I basically had to take out all of my drives and move them around to be able to plug everything in, and several of the drive bays that would have made it work, really wouldn't have because the motherboard was taking up part of them and there wasn't enough room to actually put a drive there. Anyway it took forever. Hehe. Unless you're installing another hard drive (and have no clue what you're doing like the first time I tried installing the lucky hard drive backwards.) installing another drive should not take that fricking long. And if I have 8 drive bays I should be able to use them without a problem.I'm probrably going to set up a mini-lan just with El Biftec and Ghettocomp II just so I can move over the last of the files I need. (something like 8 gigs of MP3's.)
Everything works now and I'm satisfied with the result. (I just want a bigger case and better speakers....and as long as I'm upgrading stuff some more memory would rock.) But still I'm quite pleased. And also quite hungry. So I'm going to go eat some breakfast now. later.

2002-12-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

We have power now!!!!!! hooray! I woke up yesterday morning at almost 11 and was weirded out by how quiet the house was. And then I realize, oh crap, we have no electricity. And to make it worse, the neighbors across the street do, as always. They never lose power and it pisses us off so bad. So anyway I decorated our two little midget christmas trees (no big tree this year, which is kinda sad but this way decorating the two little midget trees is done in an hour, where the big tree would have been an all-day undertaking.) and went out with dad on a quest for propane(for the camp stove) and dry ice (to keep the food from going bad). We got both and went home, and then I went to the arb w/ Jon and had a mini-pizza in taco bell. We went back to his house and hung out there for awhile, and while we were there the power came back on. So I called my dad and found out we still didn't have electricity, and I figured Mandy was probrably starting to show symptoms of Neopets withdrawl. So we went out for dinner at Carraba's and then came home and played poker and trivial pursuit in the dark. Midway through trivial pursuit the power came back on and we bolted for the computers (after doing a strange victory dance kinda thing. w007!) so anyway we have power and no school, and I'm about to head over to wal-mart for a few things. And later i'm gonna install my cd burner. hooray!!!!!

2002-12-04T18:24:00.000-05:00

We got out of school like right after noon today because of the snow/sleet/whatever. It weaseled me out of a dreaded chem test, so not all bad. and since we stuck it out until past 11:30 it means we don't have to make the day up. So we bummed around a bit, including a side trip to mcdonalds, which i've decided is one of the most evil institutions in the universe (right up there with the guidance dept., the math dept., the college board, and organized religion...) aside from the fact that it's hardly 5-star cuisine (hell, edible is pushing it...) the employees are horrible, refusing to give poor Eliz the cheeseburger happy meal that she (or rather Squeaky) paid for. At least when I went up to complain. We sent Jon after the bastard and he happily obliged. Hehe. And to make matters worse, they wouldn't hire either of us. Come on! You know you're situation is bad when McDonalds won't even hire you. This job hunt is beginning to get really frustrating.
On the up, however, I have the new computer on the desk right next to the one I'm working on right now. The only reason I'm not using it is that I still have yet to install the ISP software. but in any case, meet El Biftec
~40 gig hd (an additional 20 gig 'lucky hard drive" will be added at a later date)
~Windows XP
~DVD player
~CD burner (48x16x48, to be installed either tomorrow or over the weekend)
~GeForce2 video card
~AMD athlon XP (forgot the actual speed, have to check this)
~256 mb DDR (you're on crack if you think I'm not going to add more)
~lan card, modem, all that other boring stuff
~and fans. hooray for fans!

it may not be the greatest computer in the world, but it's still better than Ghettocomp II. But Ghettocomp II will live on forever as i'm probrably going to reuse my lucky 20 gig hard drive. (this will be computer #4) it's niftybeans. Overall i've been in a surprisingly good mood today, possibly because actually slept last night. thats always a good thing. I don't really care either way as to whether or not we have school tomorrow. Still, sleeping in would be nice. then again, them taking away one of our holidays would be not-so-nice. so i really don't care. there's good and bad to both sides. and I'm messing with the layout yet again. just some of the stuff on the sides. ppl have issues with my abundance of scrollbars, and it was bugging me too, at least with the tagboard. so I'm messing with some settings. hope it all works out like i want it to.

2002-12-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

a decent day. b day so not so bad. tomorrow's gonna be hellishly long though. but that's ok, cuz as long as i have something to do i'm happy. cuz thats how i am more now than ever. i have to have something (ideally several things) going on at once to keep my brain occupied. i had about an hour of idle-ness today and for me that's like the worst. i get plunged into emotional purgatory. there are just things i dont want to think about, and if left to my own devices i inevitably always come back to them. which i just cant let myself do because it'll get to a point where it's unbearable. i really hate this.